I LEARNED SOMETHING NEW TODAY

To choose a career in medicine, you must be prepared for lifelong learning. Today, my resident and I learned something new from a patient.
  1. One of my residents (let's call her F) comes into my office to discuss a patient with me.
  2. It's a middle aged woman complaining of a boil.
  3. The boil is in a very uncomfortable location: her gluteal cleft.
    That's doctor for "buttcrack."
  4. F goes on to tell me this patient gets them all the time in her nether regions and wanted to come in to see if she needed antibiotics or to have it cut open and drained since she has required the latter in the past.
  5. I realize I've seen this patient before. She was nice, but interesting.
    And not in the kind of way where you wish you weren't their doctor so you could hang out on the weekend.
  6. Anyway, F goes on to tell me that the patient also recently had a tummy tuck and has been wearing a compressive spandex suit given to her by her doctors after her surgery a couple of weeks ago.
    She states she gave the patient a gown to change into prior to coming to speak to me, so she should be ready for her exam in a minute.
  7. She proceeds to ask me if I'll chaperone during the examination; this way she's abiding by the hospital chaperone policy and can also get my opinion in case it doesn't look run of the mill.
  8. "Okay," I say, and we walk to the patient's room. We knock, and the patient says to enter.
  9. We come in and she's sitting there on the exam table, not wearing a gown, but in a full body black spandex suit. She looks like Catwoman.
    I assumed she just had an abdominal binder on, which is a thick, tight bandage that goes around the belly after abdominal surgery. Maybe this suit was her very strange outfit of the day?
  10. "Oh, I'm sorry, we'll step out to let you change into the gown," F says.
  11. She says, "oh, no, no we don't need to do that."
  12. F seems a little confused and says, "Ma'am, I really need to be able to examine you to see how to best treat you."
  13. The patient then says, "I know. You can," but doesn't move.
  14. F and I look at each other, confused.
  15. "I'll show you," she says. The patient then stands up, turns around, and bends over.
  16. I was not prepared for what I saw next.
  17. The boil was staring me right in the face.
  18. The crotch was missing on her spandex. There was a giant hole. 😦
  19. F asked her why there was a hole.
  20. The patient explained that the hole was there so she could go to the bathroom without removing the suit.
    Convenient and gross!
  21. F now couldn't mask her surprise. "You cut a hole in them???" We looked at each other, simultaneously perplexed, horrified and amused, as she examined the patient.
  22. The patient said, "No! That's how they came!"
  23. "Oh," we both said.
  24. I learned today Crotchless medical-grade Spanx exist!
  25. 🙈