STOP TELLING ME TO HAVE A BABY

  1. My husband and I have been married almost five years and we don't have kids.
    Because we have chosen not to have any yet (or maybe ever).
  2. Up until a few months ago, our military careers/my medical career/my husband's masters degree program have meant months to years apart and working approximately 80 hours a week each (sometimes more), oftentimes nights and weekends included.
    Now we each work about 60 hours a week each.
  3. We barely find time for ourselves and each other, and haven't even seriously considered the idea of starting a family because of the time commitment needed to be good parents.
    If we struggle to care for ourselves a lot of the time, it sounds like a terrible time to bring a kid into the mix.
  4. But that doesn't stop people from asking us when we are going to have kids, and some even TELLING us to have kids.
    A coworker recently asked me what the point of my life was if I wasn't going to have children! She then told me the clock was ticking and I had better get a move on before it's too late. Apparently saving a life every now and then doesn't mean anything; I have to produce another person for my life to be meaningful. I was so flabbergasted by her audacity that I couldn't even find the words to respond.
  5. That's not the first time that's happened. It's just the most direct example.
  6. And even though some variation of the above has happened at least 25 times in the last year, it always perplexes me a little. It's never a question I ask other couples, ever.
    Because I know some couples don't want to have children, some couples have other priorities, and yet other couples are quietly struggling with fertility issues.
  7. However, the thing I find even weirder is that most of the people who keep telling me to "just do it" (with regards to growing a fetus, giving birth to it, and raising it properly) because "having kids is awesome" are MALE.
    WTF?
  8. I'm not trying to male-bash here. But these guys don't have to grow a baby for 40 weeks, birth it, and usually take on the majority of the responsibility for raising said child; and they almost exclusively have wives who stay at home to raise their children (and homeschool them in some cases too).
  9. They go to work, and come home to dinner made, chores done, a usually clean home, and kids ready to give dad hugs and tell them about their day.
    I'm good friends with many of these families and have seen this firsthand (as well as listened to the verbal frustrations of some of the wives who do as much work, if not more, than their husbands, without a paycheck, and have in many cases sacrificed their careers in the process, admittedly usually by their own choice). Note: most of them do say they still wouldn't choose another life and are happy, and I'm happy for them too.
  10. Well, that life does sound awesome, if that's what you want your life to look like.
    I think one day I'd love to have kids. But I want to raise them right. And I haven't quite figured out logistically how I'm going to give my kids the time to show them the amount of love and caring that they deserve. I don't have the luxury of family members around to help, and with the instability of a military career, I don't want to give birth to put my infant in daycare or in the care of another stranger (my personal choice).
  11. But the ladies are guilty of it too. Especially in those situations where I, as an almost 30-year-old woman, find myself surrounded by women roughly my age who all happen to be mothers or expecting.
  12. I also find it funny that these people also tend to be the ones who complain incessantly about how little freedom they have to do things they did pre-baby and tell me how lucky I am.
    Luck had nothing to do with it, sister. It's a choice.
  13. But then right after they're done complaining, they say, "but I wouldn't have it any other way," (I believe you) and proceed to try to convince me to join the club.
  14. I don't think anyone should be telling me or pressuring me to choose motherhood, or asking me when I'm going to have kids, or anything pertaining to children.
  15. After all, I'm the one who has to live with my choices, whether that includes having a baby or not.
  16. So, maybe, just stop asking couples about WHEN they're going to have kids?
  17. If you really can't stay away from the subject, maybe just ask them what their thoughts on children are.
    But only if you're prepared to accept their position. Because your thoughts on the matter are irrelevant unless solicited.
  18. And if they say they're not sure or don't want any, don't take offense or try to convince them otherwise.
  19. Don't tell them "but you'd be such a great mom."
  20. Don't tell them "time is running out."
  21. Don't tell them to "just do it."
  22. Just don't.