HAPPY MEALS/COMFORT FOOD (SECRET JOYOUS BRAIN INVENTIONS THAT COULD DOUBLE AS FAST-FOOD MENU ITEMS)

  1. Small Deluxe
    My best self. She was first named "Rollerskate Skinny" after the Old 97's song (and, to a lesser extent, the band named that--which came first?), but she isn't thin. She's lean and mean in terms of affect. She has adult braces, red, because she likes them, not because she needs to improve her teeth. She knows the joke doesn't have to be on anyone. She drives a station wagon, and she drives it beautifully (I don't drive. My parents met as car salespeople. Psychologize away). Not-shy heart animal.
  2. The XLT
    Hopefully, I'm sunburnt when I wear one, because that's when it feels best: After a long day of whatever physical summertime exertion, putting on a clean-as-heaven extra-large T-shirt over my otherwise naked and baked body (optional: accessorize with virtuous-feeling boy-short panties). Sounds like a brawny bacon burger, huh? Feels like wholesome sex.