Surprising & Not Altogether Pleasant Things I've Discovered While Renovating an Old House in France

I am having a load of fun renovating my house in France, but it's not without bullshit.
  1. When you bleed the radiators and are sprayed in the face by black, oily water
  2. When a storm rolls in and tries to rip the old metal shutters off your windows and you need to decide between securing them or watching the water rise to within feet of your front door
  3. When you demo an old lilac bathroom and find a secret concrete room, over a meter deep, bricked up behind the wall
  4. When you tear down a weird plastic sheet on a ceiling and tepid brown poo water falls on your head
  5. When a raven nests in your chimney and every time you walk up a stairway you need to duck to avoid smacking your face into the branches that hang down into your hallway (but you can't remove it because there are screaming baby birds somewhere in there!)
  6. When the workers you've hired start at 10am, take a two hour lunch at noon, come back drunk, then call it a day at 4pm
  7. Whenever anyone begins a sentence with, "We had a little problem"
  8. When you plug your laptop in to charge it and it vibrates and gives off little electric shocks
  9. When mould is considered a house plant
  10. When you find out from a very old man that before the lady who lived here before you, the house was owned by the town witch who had covered the entire roof with five feet of soil and grew the best onions in France
  11. When you discover that the town square across from your house is a rally point for the local teens where they sit for hours and rev the enhanced lawnmowers they call motos for at least six hours a day
  12. When you hear French rap music for the first time (played loudly at 2am by the local teens in the town square)
  13. When you create a scale map of your house and find a bunch of strange grey areas that probably contain more secret blocked up rooms and you think "Holy Hannah, I don't even want to know!"
  14. When you need to fill out a cheque for the first time and realize that you have no idea what it all means
  15. When your deliveries consistently arrive up to 24 hours before or after your delivery window and then the driver lectures you for not being ready to receive him
  16. When you order a bunch of furniture and then realize that you might need to cut it up to get it up the stairs
  17. When you stay alone for the first time and suddenly notice all the noises that are almost certainly related to ghosts or murderous intruders tunnelling their way through those secret rooms hidden in the walls
  18. When you realize how hot 40C is in a four storey house with no air conditioning and you decide to go swimming to cool off but then you see a bunch of snakes in the river
  19. When you want to go for a walk to de-stress and run into a bunch of drunk hunters on the walking path that goes through the woods
  20. When you think you've accidentally offended someone or embarrassed yourself and realize that in your tiny village there is no way you'll be able to avoid them
  21. The first time the sewer backs up into your kitchen sink
  22. When you go to take a shower and the water is brown and smells like poo
  23. When you realize that you have no idea what you're doing!