Ways to stay stuck
(Tried and tested)
- •Staying in identities that don't serve you.And that are more concerned with the performance of a self than the expression of a self. You cannot be the x girl and also be the y girl. You'll always have to choose. On the other hand, if you decide simply to be a person, you can do and be and feel and practice anything you like.
- •Expecting the people you love to organise themselves around your needs.You will be waiting around for a while.
- •Being hard on yourself, in a counterproductive attempt to do "better".Where did we ever get this idea? Self punishment is crippling. Self kindness is liberating. Also, what is this "better"? Is it not enough just to be? When did we start measuring the quality of people as if they were goods? One of my many bones to pick with capitalism.
- •Managing your emotions with food/TV/etc.Robbing it of its pleasure while surrendering to it your power.
- •A lack of boundaries.Related to the needs issue. You are responsible to other people, not for them. Likewise, they are responsible to you, not for you. It's ok to make the terms of a relationship clear (hopefully in ways that are culturally appropriate).
- •Ignoring your instincts, inner wisdom, and feelings.They will tell you a lot of what you need to know. You might want to go to therapy, though, to learn to listen to the right ones, and to clear up some of the dodgy ones. Which brings me to my next point...
- •Thinking therapy/inner work is for other people.Damaged people, crazy people, privileged people, weak and moany people... Notice all those people (at least in your view) are not yourself. Why is that?
- •Thinking spiritual practice is for other people.Spiritual people, hippies, bible-slingers. Would you like more compassion and clarity in the world? Get yourself a yoga matt. (Also, your spiritual practice might be reading or baking or walking. Whatevs.)
- •Depriving yourself of what you want, on principle.You have to teach yourself that you're worth something. I used to refuse myself a lot, because I'd absorbed some message along the lines of "it's wrong to indulge our desires" underneath of which was a sense of unworthiness and a fear of falling into overindulgence. In fact, once I started listening to and meeting some of those desires, they eased. It wasn't a bottomless pit after all. I didn't become addicted to shopping and fancy coffee shops. I came to need them less and enjoy them more.
- •Feeling stuck? Pick one. Unstick it.(I recently asked God/the universe for some help on the identities thing. Interesting results.)
- •The fancy coffee shop where I wrote this list.See above.