THE ONION TYPE HEADLINES BUT ONLY ABOUT ME

Too much coffee / @TheOnion
  1. Cookie Girl Tries to Wean Herself Off of Cookies
  2. College Student Gets Drunk, Does Dumb Things
  3. A Behind The Scenes Look into the Writer's Room:
    See How Anasha and Her Team Create the Perfect 'Text-back'
  4. Young Choreographer Wins Tony for Pre-Shower Dance Routine
  5. American Apparel Employee Looks in Mirror, Pouts
  6. Life Hack: How to Get the Most Out of Your Febreze
  7. Girl Stretches Crop Top Just Before Dinner With Parents
  8. Daughter Reluctantly Changes Profile Picture
    Mother previously released statement saying she was "showing too much shoulder"
  9. Round-faced Thottie Insists That It's Baby Fat
  10. Girl Develops Strange Disease: Can't Digest Food Unless Watching Something
  11. Close Friend Likes Instagram Post but Refuses to Text Back
  12. Local Student Admits to Wiping Cheeto Fingers Wherever She Can
  13. Breaking: Girl Swears She Felt IUD Move 'For real this time'
  14. Instagram User Deletes Post That Didn't Make the Cut
    The photo allegedly averaged less than one like per minute at the time of removal.
  15. Sophomore-and-a-half 'Going to Probably Take Summer Classes This Year'
  16. Bad Driver Breaks Down Crying in Car
    Tweets public apology to any fellow drivers whom she annoyed
  17. Pretzel Fiend Caught Tip-toeing to Kitchen Acts Like She's Just Getting Water
  18. Narcissist to Anyone Who Will Listen: 'I Should Have a Show!'
  19. Journalism Major Honors Longtime 'Rice Krispie Treat Urself' Tradition After Every Intro to Mass Communication Lecture
  20. Study Shows Chewing At Front of Mouth Prevents Candy-Induced Cavity Pain
  21. Disappointed Brat Lets Face Do the Talking