Stages of Grief - Revised
- •Revenge FantasyWhen dealing with loss, it's easy to forget the most important thing: someone is always to blame. If it doesn't seem like this is the case, pick someone. While you may be limited by the strictures of a litigious puritanical society, don't let that stop you from using your most powerful tool - your imagination - to exercise some vigilante justice.
- •Deal with the DevilAgnostics and lapsed Jews can't exactly bargain with the #1 Big Guy. So instead, draw a pentagram of salt on the floor (kosher will suffice if you're out of sea salt) light some black candles, find a rage-metal spotify playlist, set out crudité, and wait.
- •Perusal of Various Sacred Texts for LoopholesYou can't cheat death, but with some creative exegesis you can use scriptural ambiguities to your advantage for the ultimate LifeHack. Mormonism: skirts the technicalities of human transience with afterlife on the exclusive planet Kolob. Scientology: gets some bad press, but where else can you get a guarantee on soul-thetan immortality?! Catholicism: idk do they still have indulgences
- •Bedding your ShrinkSolicitation of sympathy sex is essential self-work. Transference goes both ways, and that plush chaise lounge is begging to be used for something other than weepy meditations on matricide.
- •Feigned AcceptanceCongratulations! You've made it through one of the most difficult & universal human experiences. You're ready to live the rest of your life as a slightly world-wearier you. Hopefully you gained some insight or spiritual growth along the way. If not, pretend you did and go get gelato or something