Stages of Grief - Revised

  1. 1.
    Revenge Fantasy
    When dealing with loss, it's easy to forget the most important thing: someone is always to blame. If it doesn't seem like this is the case, pick someone. While you may be limited by the strictures of a litigious puritanical society, don't let that stop you from using your most powerful tool - your imagination - to exercise some vigilante justice.
  2. 2.
    Deal with the Devil
    Agnostics and lapsed Jews can't exactly bargain with the #1 Big Guy. So instead, draw a pentagram of salt on the floor (kosher will suffice if you're out of sea salt) light some black candles, find a rage-metal spotify playlist, set out crudité, and wait.
  3. 3.
    Perusal of Various Sacred Texts for Loopholes
    You can't cheat death, but with some creative exegesis you can use scriptural ambiguities to your advantage for the ultimate LifeHack. Mormonism: skirts the technicalities of human transience with afterlife on the exclusive planet Kolob. Scientology: gets some bad press, but where else can you get a guarantee on soul-thetan immortality?! Catholicism: idk do they still have indulgences
  4. 4.
    Bedding your Shrink
    Solicitation of sympathy sex is essential self-work. Transference goes both ways, and that plush chaise lounge is begging to be used for something other than weepy meditations on matricide.
  5. 5.
    Feigned Acceptance
    Congratulations! You've made it through one of the most difficult & universal human experiences. You're ready to live the rest of your life as a slightly world-wearier you. Hopefully you gained some insight or spiritual growth along the way. If not, pretend you did and go get gelato or something