The Truth About My Jewishness

  1. I have the ear of G-d, and only use it for the most trivial shit
  2. I first got my period at Hebrew school and my (female, thank yhwh) teacher lit a cigarette and told me that men fear women because we bleed and yet do not die
  3. My charoset recipe Is the envy of the whole shtetl and the secret is the blood of Christian children
  4. I walk like a knock-kneed newborn goat kid b/c of my cloven hooves
  5. Everything I need to know about Salt n Pepa and Peach Scnapps, I learned at my one week of jewish day camp
  6. Usury is my birthright & yet somehow I'm still scrambling for rent each month
  7. My mom wouldn't let me sing "O tannenbaum" because she says it reminds her of Kristallnacht
  8. I was born fluent in Krav Maga and Old testament verse
  9. After dating 3 Catholic-born men in a row, I have put a moratorium on uncircumcised D and decided I will marry within the tribe