AN OPEN LETTER OF APOLOGY TO THE GODS OF BASEBALL, ANNOTATED ⚾️

I'm sorry.
  1. Dear Wise and Wonderous Gods of Baseball:
    You look good tonight! Have you lost weight? Is that a new haircut?
  2. I humbly bow before your infinite greatness.
    I am a worm unworthy of your attention.
  3. I'm truly sorry.
    So, so sorry.
  4. It was a mistake to post a list about my favorite baseball team last week.
    I was briefly happy and excited about the recent winning ways of my Colorado Rockies. I apologize for this offending scrap of excremental poo: DEPARTMENT OF ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN: ROCKIES FANS ARE NOW ROOTING FOR A WINNING TEAM! ⚾️
  5. My intention in posting the list wasn't to gloat or brag or to in any way offend you, the Gods of Baseball.
    My enthusiasm got the better of me, and I know now enthusiasm is not an excuse for offending the mighty and all-knowing Gods of Baseball. I understand inadvertently offending you is still intentionally offensive to you. I am sorry.
  6. I should not have posted that list.
    I know this now. I am sorry.
  7. I even noted in the list the likelihood of offending you and causing the Rockies and Rockies fans to suffer.
    I knew the risks of jinxing my team by publicly commenting on their temporary and fragile fleeting success. Posting that list was like playing with fire or juggling chainsaws: the only natural outcome was to burn down the forest and lose both of my hands.
  8. I'm aware of the dangers of hubris.
    And yet, as you are well aware, I flaunted the very strict consequences of hubris. For this I am truly sorry.
  9. I know, understand and appreciate that causing fans to suffer is your job.
    I knew it beforehand and this past week has perfectly reminded me of your important role, oh wise and powerful Gods of Baseball.
  10. Please accept this humble public apology.
    I am sorry.
  11. I regret celebrating that one-day-in-the-past-six-seasons of the Rockies being a winning baseball team.
    They were 54-53 when I misguidedly posted that list and invited people on to the bandwagon. Now they are 55-59 and there is no bandwagon, just a three-wheeled broken-axel injured dumpster fire mess. I am sorry.
  12. I understand why you have made the Rockies lose six of the seven games they have played since I unwisely and very stupidly posted that lame, smelly and embarrassing list.
    Breaking our hearts was your only option due to my overzealous fandom. I will not ask for forgiveness in hopes of you allowing the Rockies to win one more game this year; I know that is not my place. I will only publicly apologize to you. I am sorry.
  13. I understand why you have caused damaging injuries to three of our starting players since I posted the list.
    Yes, I do know and am sorry for being personally responsible for causing those injuries to Trevor Story, Carlos Gonzales and Daniel Descalso. My bad.
  14. I praise your creativity in making the Rockies blow late-inning leads in our three most recent games against the Rangers, all heartbreaking come-from-behind-only-to-lose games.
    That was a particularly clever and cruel touch, forcing the manager to demote our closer and create chaos in our clubhouse. Touché! You are a freakin' genius, Gods of Baseball.
  15. I promise to not celebrate publicly any baseball activity for the next six months.
    I will watch quietly and suffer our loses as I should: silently and stoically. My character will be built the old fashioned way: through proper defeat.
  16. I promise to personally suffer through each and every loss you see fit to lay upon the Colorado Rockies baseball club over their final 48 games.
    Yes, I understand that you Towering and Magnificent Gods of Baseball are clearly capable of letting the Rockies lose each and every one of them. I am prepared for this consequence.
  17. Thank you for inventing and allowing us meek humans the opportunity to learn valuable lessons in failure and defeat through your lovely game.
    We do love a sport where a 70% failure rate is considered Hall of Fame quality! Talk about perspective!
  18. I hereby formally and publicly apologize to you, the omniscient, and omnipresent Gods of Baseball.
  19. I am sorry for my mistakes.
  20. Most sincerely and apologetically yours,
  21. Signed,
  22. PS: I do so look forward to watching your expert, creative and artistic method in punishing Chicago Cubs fans later this year!
    The Billy Goat was period appropriate. Bartman was pure genius; I can't wait to see how you top it!! 😬
  23. Update 1 Day Later:
    Thank you Gods of Baseball for making your point once again by taking our starting first baseman. Understood. I am sorry. (@justjills does this count as our (4th) sacrifice?)
  24. Update 2: @HisDudeness Do you think the Wise Gods of Baseball will accept the sacrifice of a Nolan Arenado TOPPS Rookie card, with the sacrificial fire ignited by a Meyers brand 'Clean Day' scented candle?
  25. Update 3, 4 losses and six days later:
    C'mon!
  26. Update 4: End of season
    Rockies went 21-34 after I posted my list. Manager Walt Weiss quit after the season. Humbled.