Jobs I Would Probably Excel At

  1. Hairdresser for people who want zero chitchat beyond "what can I do for you?"
  2. Medical professional who will not judge you when you come in with a brain tumor (headache) because you're right, you probably are dying.
  3. Financial advisor who will advise you to treat yo' self.
  4. Netflix prompt writer. Not "Are You Still Watching Gilmore Girls?" Of course you're still watching Gilmore Girls!
  5. Fashion designer who designs everything with maternity waistbands...yoga pants are constricting AF after you've had the pleasure of wearing maternity pants.
  6. Mechanic who will write you a slip to give your spouse, 'Car is a goner. Buy a new one.'
  7. Lawyer who will get so mad arguing your case that I start crying hysterically and make everyone super uncomfortable so the judge rules in your favor.