THINGS I'D BUY IF I WEREN'T TOTALLY BROKE

  1. Dinner
  2. A therapist
  3. A pair of leopard print booties
  4. A dining room table
  5. A litter box for my hypothetical cat
  6. That new Charlotte Tilbury Matte Revolution in Walk of Shame because it looks perfect and I have a problem
  7. A soda stream, because I have a problem
  8. Did I mention a therapist?
  9. A couple more sports bras so I can stop wearing the same one every damn day
  10. A CPA
  11. A diamond ring because my boyfriend doesn't think that we should signify our love with material objects
  12. A bottle each of: rye, bourbon, St George Terroir gin, absinthe, lillet blanc, sweet vermouth, dry vermouth, Cointreau, angostura bitters, and cognac. I suppose rum as well.
  13. And I'd invite everyone over and make cocktails and dance to Mariah Carey while wearing my new lipstick and booties and diamond ring, as one should.