A CHRONOLOGICAL LIST OF MY CAREER ASPIRATIONS

I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna have boobies!... Wait, that's not what this list is about
  1. Age 4, International Pop Chanteuse
    I was four years old and I already knew all the words to My Heart Will Go On. Interpretive hand movements included.
  2. Age 9, Child Dancer for Missy Elliot
    Alison Stone was the coolest person in life. She was a badass dancer, wore fly outfits and had like at least 35 seconds of air time in two Missy videos.
  3. Age 11, Scientist Responsible for Curing Cancer
    On a fateful November afternoon, I caught a CBC documentary on breast cancer. I was so worried about all the women in my life that I vowed to cure cancer.
  4. Age 13, Introspective Singer-Songwriter
    First heartbreak made me realize that music can heal broken hearts and we're basically functionless without hearts so I abandoned my dreams of curing cancer and began writing music. I felt bad at first but then Oprah did a special on how music can heal fatal diseases.
  5. Age 16, Tour North America as a Cast Member of Glee
    So the whole writing music thing was a total bust. Tried to learn the guitar and piano but I realized that I had no musical talent. But then Glee came out and changed my life.
  6. Age 18, Television Showrunner
    So after 18 years trying to be talented, I realized that maybe I was more of a behind the scenes kinda gal. I've seen so many behind the music specials, I'm super organized and I'm not that bad at writing scripts.
  7. Age 22, Employed
    Went to media school for four years (woo!). Then I quickly learned that in this economy, producer writer hyphenates aren't really that necessary. So the career goal now is to just pay the bills on time. Welcome to Adulthood.