This weekend made me realize a depressing fact: Throughout my comedy-writing career, I have written jokes about Donald Trump for at least a decade. Maybe two. I did a "TRUMP" search of my inbox and found tons of stuff. Here's a few that amused me but didn't sell. Warning, there are dirty words and stuff.
  1. You know, in the past, when they’ve held roasts, people say, “They’re roasting that loser celebrity? He doesn’t deserve a roast.” Well, Donald Trump truly deserves a roast. In Hell.
  2. He is a greedy crook who lies about everything from how much money he has, to that ridiculous moose-snatch on top of his bald head.
  3. You’ve put on a few, haven’t you, Donald? Too bad you haven't perfected the Art of the Deal-a-Meal.
  4. We all know that Trump has stuck his name on bottled water, cologne, vodka, vitamins, steaks and ice cream. But did you know he stuck his dick in all that stuff, too?
  5. Donald’s a billionaire, as you all know – because he constantly tells everyone. Sort of like how James Franco tells everyone that he’s smart.
  6. Donald, I believe you when you say your hair’s not a combover. If it was, why wouldn’t you comb it over that creepy face of yours?
  7. If George W. and Trump prove one thing, it's that voters love guys who spent their 20s partying and living off their rich dads. Brody Jenner 2032!