My daughter turned nine yesterday and had a big sleepover at our house with all her friends. I remembered a sleepover at my best friend Jeff's house when I was 10 years old. If any single item on this list had occurred at our house last night, every single parent would (rightly) Facebook-shame and sue us out of existence!
  1. My parents dropped me off. About 30 seconds after they left, Jeff's parents spontaneously announced they were going out and would not return until the following day.
  2. Jeff and I were informed that we would be supervised by Jeff's older sisters, Dee Dee and Yvonne (both around 16).
    This was pretty exciting, because it instantly felt "teenage." And I had a big crush on Yvonne. (Are there any better names for 1980s bad girl sisters than Dee Dee and Yvonne?!)
  3. Jeff's parents left. Dee Dee called her boyfriend, Tony, and told him to come over and bring beer. While we waited for Tony, Yvonne told us a story about lying on her bed one day and saying out loud: "Satan, if you're in this room, show me a sign." A poster fell off her wall.
    God - just recounting that story, I still love her!
  4. Tony arrived with a six-pack. He was a classic Upstate NY dirtbag - tank top, feathered hair. He and Dee Dee made out in front of us.
  5. Yvonne made us Jiffy-Pop.
    For most of the parents at my kids' school, this dietary offense would be the single most actionable item on this list.
  6. While the popcorn was cooking, Tony played "Mercy" with Jeff - painfully bending Jeff's fingers back until he cried. Then it was my turn. I was determined not to cry, and didn't. Tony finally relented and told Jeff, "At least your friend has balls."
    I never felt so proud of any compliment in my entire life.
  7. We sat down to watch a Bruce Lee movie on cable. My hippie parents forbid me from watching violence on TV (even down to Three Stooges and Popeye cartoons). This was nonstop, bloody martial arts shit! My mind was reeling.
    Especially during the scene where Bruce realizes they're smuggling drugs inside dead bodies, and reaches inside a corpse to pull out coke or heroin. That gave me nightmares!
  8. We stayed up all night, watching TV and listening to the radio. Tony let Jeff and I taste beer.
    It was gross.
  9. At about 2 am, a commercial came on TV for Duncan Hines brownies. A boy and an old woman sat on a bench with a plate of brownies. The boy took a bite - then in a dubbed, massively baritone voice said: "DEEP, DARK AND DELICIOUS." Tony fell off the couch laughing. He then bellowed: "I LIKE MY PUSSY DEEP, DARK AND DELICIOUS."
    Dee Dee hit him, offended. Jeff laughed really hard, and so did I, despite the fact that I did not actually get the joke.
  10. Jeff and I fell asleep on the floor while Tony, Dee Dee and Yvonne were getting high and listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd.
  11. BONUS ITEM: The wildest it got with my daughter and her friends is when they ate cake and watched I Love Lucy episodes projected in the backyard.
    64577140 5960 40f1 8482 6498d9d09e92
    I'm really glad my kids are having a less toxic childhood than me. But goddamn if I wouldn't kill to jump in a time machine and experience that Friday night in 1982 again!
  12. BONUS BONUS ITEM: I couldn't find the Duncan Hines commercial with the boy and the old woman, but here's a spot from the same campaign: