FEATURES OF MY OLD, ONE BEDROOM, $550-PER-MONTH BACHELOR APARTMENT

  1. Futon mattress on floor
  2. TV/VCR combo next to futon mattress with VHS copy of "Total Recall" in it that I fell asleep watching every night
  3. Fridge with zero food in it
  4. Cupboards with no food except for jar of peanut butter, which one day I couldn't even afford bread to put it on so I ate it with a spoon
  5. Christmas lights as decoration surrounding tapestry of bullfighter in the ring
  6. Ceiling that looked like cottage cheese
  7. Tiny, bright-pink couch purchased at Out of the Closet thrift store
  8. Gigantic, beautiful redwood deck that had a spectacular view, was the site of constant parties and was just over the hill from the Hollywood Bowl, so I could watch fireworks every night in the summer and hear Radiohead's entire soundcheck and concert (also U2)
  9. Glass door to spectacular deck that had "Shroud of Turin"-style imprint of woman who came to one of my parties, went out on deck, then turned to come back inside without realizing glass door was shut and smashed her face into it
  10. Swimming pool populated by my fellow twentysomethings, who I scowled at and resented for their beauty, and seriously considered printing out the lyrics of the Morrissey song "Lazy Sunbathers" and posting it by the pool to shame them, because at 25 I was a bitter middle-aged man
  11. Terrifying "coil" heating unit that emitted smoke
  12. Bathroom mirror that got cracked during one of my parties, which two friends admitted happened while they were having sex in my bathroom, but never explained exactly how it happened, leading to wild speculation on my part
  13. The one plant I bought because I wanted to care for something and bring natural beauty into my life, which immediately died
  14. Friends who would stay all night eating fast food, watching "Saturday Night Live," making out with each other and laughing
    I loved them all!