Jobs I Will Never Do Again

I mean, never say never. I've got mouths to feed. But over the years of pursuing a career in the entertainment industry, I've added more and more types of "entertainment" to the list of jobs I won't take anymore.
  1. Porn.
    Duh.
  2. "Hidden Camera"/ prank shows.
    I was on a show where my "prank" made a teenager cry. I felt terrible about it. The next day, the producer said, "So, you did the show where the kid cried at the end, right?" I said yes. He yelled: "I don't want you to END the show with a kid crying. I want you to START with a kid crying, and then TEAR HIS LIFE APART!!!" I was like, "Then don't hire a nerdy comedy writer. Hire a dominatrix or an Abu Ghraib torturer." Bye-bye!
  3. Award shows where they dress up women in stripper outfits and stick them all over the stage as props, and have them walk through the crowd serving drinks, and generally make the whole place like a strip club.
    This was tough to swear off of, because I did nothing but award-show writing for years and years. But finally I couldn't take it anymore. I mean, why don't I just go write patter for the DJ introducing girls at Jumbo's Clown Room?! (Actually, I've heard that's a pretty sweet gig. Non-Writers Guild but free nachos.)
  4. Roast specials where the "roastee" is clearly mentally ill/ right in the middle of a public, bipolar meltdown.
    I think the roasts are like when you hear about monks who would walk up behind their meditating students and whack them across the back with a stick really hard. It's all good as long as you know that's the arena you're stepping into. If somebody doesn't have all their faculties, it's simply not going to be funny, which we all know is the greatest crime of all!
  5. Anything on NBC. (Joking! Totally joking! Just wanted a punchline. For God's sake, NBC, call anytime!)