Jokes That Have Been Stuck in My Head for Years Now
I'm not saying these are the best jokes ever. But for whatever reason, they're the ones that cross my mind all the time, with no warning, like a song stuck in your head.
- •Tracy Morgan on "30 Rock": "Get me a black coffee. By which I mean a Sunny Delite."
- •Dave Attell: "Well, it finally happened. I found a grey pube." [CROWD GROANS] "Calm down, it wasn't mine."
- •Lisa Lampanelli: "Betty White is so old that on her first game show, the prize was fire."
- •A whole Paul F. Tompkins bit about how whenever one of his buddies has a baby, they give the same speech: "I've never loved something so much. I mean, I would take a bullet for my baby." Paul: "Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?! Maybe he's a real asshole."
- •Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge, on the radio: "'Big Yellow Taxi' there by Joni Mitchell, a song in which she complains that they 'paved paradise to put up a parking lot' - a measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of paradise.""Something which Joni singularly fails to point out, perhaps because it doesn't quite fit in with her blinkered view of the world. Nevertheless, nice song." I swear to God, this entire mini-rant runs through my head - word-for-word - each and every time a friend says something that strikes me as "overly idealistic"/ "bleeding-heart liberal."
- •My old friend Amanda Cotter, who I haven't seen in years and don't know what happened to her: "I finally broke up with my boyfriend. Big, fat, beer-guzzling waste of space... is what he used to call me."
- •A guitar comic who sang a parody of "Footloose" entitled "Fruit Loops."I find myself singing this all the time.