Requested by @8on. Winner is definitive and should never, ever be argued again. Add your own pros and cons/ point values in "suggestions"; list and final score will be amended to reflect compelling arguments. Annnd go.
  1. MONOGAMY: Is considered "traditional" in our culture.
    15 POINTS
  2. POLYGAMY: Actually IS "traditional," in terms of, "That's basically what most people did a long time ago and continued to do for centuries afterward, until relatively recently."
    30 POINTS
  3. MONOGAMY: Is practiced by less than 5% of animal species on earth. And even then, there's debate if those species are "truly" monogamous. The one species everyone agrees is 100% monogamous...? Cockroaches. Not a sexy win, monogamy.
    5 POINTS
  4. POLYGAMY: Is practiced by 95% of animal species on earth. Fish and amphibians probably rack up the most partners. Frogs and trout are arguably sexier than roaches.
    25 POINTS
  5. MONOGAMY: Has inspired most of popular music, and every super-turdy sitcom ever. (Unless you believe, as I do, that "Home Improvement" was secretly about the down-low polyamorous relationship between Tim, Jill and Wilson.)
    20 POINTS
  6. POLYGAMY: Has inspired more highbrow TV and movies, like "Big Love" and "Shortbus." And the old song "Love the One You're With." (Just typing that song title has caused my iPhone to barf in my hand.)
  7. MONOGAMY: Is, as unbearable standup comics and talk-radio hosts have insisted upon reminding us for decades, "the same [vagina/ penis/ whatever] over and over again for the rest of your life." (Said comics and DJs are typically averse to this arrangement.)
    20 POINTS
  8. POLYGAMY: Is many boobs and butts and cha-chas and wieners! Yeahhhhhh!!!!! We'll be right back on 94.5 Real Talk FM in ya mouuuuth!!!
    50 POINTS
  9. MONOGAMY: Counts among its advocates Dr. Laura Schlesinger; and every single celebrity couple that gives a self-righteous interview about how they've matured and come to understand the importance of marriage and oh shit, they just split up.
    10 POINTS
  10. POLYGAMY: Counts among its advocates whatever the current, trendy book is about it, like "Sex At Dawn," and King Salman of Saudi Arabia. Not a sexy win, polygamy.
    5 POINTS
  11. MONOGAMY: Is batting about .400 in terms of success rate. Which, when you think about it, is actually pretty good, considering how challenging it is.
    30 POINTS
  12. POLYGAMY: Is hard to gauge by success rate. I couldn't find anything statistical about long term, polyamorous relationships. All I really have to go by are my hippie ex-girlfriend Kimmie's old roommates, who used to orgy every weekend - or as Kimmie called it, "Nothing but white, pumping butts. Uch!" None of them stayed together.
  13. MONOGAMY: Inspired Alain de Botton to write, "There is no answer to the tensions of [monogamy], if what we mean by an 'answer' is a settlement in which no party suffers a loss." In other words: "Compromise means neither side gets what they want."
  14. POLYGAMY: Is a "compromise" in which three or more people "don't get what they want" - which, no matter how you slice it, means three or more times the amount of "tensions" and "loss" that are inherent to human relationships. Boo!
  15. MONOGAMY: May, in fact, be "unnatural" - i.e., opposed to our biological drive to reproduce as much as possible.
    5 POINTS
  16. POLYGAMY: May be unsustainable due to a basic human need for exclusivity in intimacy.
    5 POINTS
  17. MONOGAMY: Deserves extra points for being a hopeful leap of faith in the face of our late-capitalism, hedonistic culture. As Katherine Hepburn says in "The African Queen": "Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we are put in this world to rise above."
    60 POINTS
  18. POLYGAMY: Deserves extra points for defying the dominant paradigm of repression, and asserting a transgressive allegiance to the boundless nature of love. As Anais Nin said, "I reserve the right to love many different people at once." (All right, I'll admit this was the first Google result for "quotes about polyamory.")
    60 POINTS
    Monogamy is better than polygamy. Again, this is totally definitive.
  22. Thanks again to @8on for this great battle topic. And remember, if you want to change the totally definitive winner of this battle, write your argument - along with number of points for your argument - under "Make a Suggestion." This has been "Battle Lists."
    I'm your host, Mario Lopez.