"Texas Chainsaw Massacre," as Recounted to Me by a 10-year-old Named Mike Flynn
When I was in sixth grade, my classmate Mike Flynn went out of town to visit family. Upon returning, he told me he had seen "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." Mike recounted the entire moviegoing experience for me. His description has stuck with me to this day. [NOTE: If you've never seen TCM, the plot points listed below are not entirely accurate.]
- •There are all these lumberjacks who live together in a lumberjack camp out in the woods.
- •They use their chainsaws all the time to cut down trees, and they're real happy.
- •There's a guy who's like the boss of the lumberjacks, and he cooks all their food and takes care of them and they love him.
- •One day, the lumberjacks are cutting down trees with their chainsaws, and a tree accidentally falls on the boss guy.
- •They roll the tree off him and he's totally squished. And you see EVERYTHING. Like, all the blood and guts and stuff. And all these maggots. It's disgusting.
- •Seeing this, the lumberjacks lose their minds. They go totally insane.
- •They get their chainsaws and drive into the city in Texas and just start killing everybody. That's what the massacre is.
- •Like, there's a dog running down the street, and one of the lumberjacks cuts it in half, like right down the middle. It's SO gross.
- •And there's a girl, and one of the lumberjacks puts his chainsaw right between her legs. You see EVERYTHING.
- •And they just kill people for an hour until the police finally kill all the lumberjacks. That's the end of the movie.
- •Mike then claimed that the theater was rigged with a fake, decapitated head on wires above the crowd. The head would move around the theater and drip fake blood onto audience members. Mike saw a girl on a date get "blood" dripped on her. She looked up, saw the fake head and was so nauseated that she instantly vomited on her boyfriend.
- •Four years later, I rented the actual "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" from a local video store. Watching it may be the most disappointing experience of my entire life.