Texas Chainsaw Massacres, Ranked

In the bad old days before therapy and kids, I watched pretty much every horror movie ever made. (DISCLAIMER: I know the overlap of ListApp users and Texas Chainsaw enthusiasts is WAY slim. Apologies if this is a "feed clogger" for you. Sometimes I just put stuff out there to see who shares my useless knowledge/ opinions.)
  1. 1.
    The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1985)
    Genuinely funny; self-aware; basically lays out the entire thesis of Carol Clover's book "Men Women and Chainsaws: Gender in the Modern Horror Film" seven years before she wrote it; and Dennis Hopper is incredible!
  2. 2.
    The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
    The first time I saw it in a theater, I had a panic attack and had to leave. Terrifying and sometimes funny (in the darkest way possible). Fascinating artifact of the American subconscious attempting to reconcile the Manson murders.
  3. 3.
    The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
    Underrated "big-budget" (not really) remake has some scary stuff, and early Jessica Biel.
  4. 4.
    Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)
    First professional gig for Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey! Pretty bad but kind of ambitious - some "Illuminati"/ conspiracy stuff and exploration of Leatherface's queer/ drag overtones. Did I mention Bridget Jones and the "Alright alright alright" guy?
  5. 5.
    Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)
    Kind of stupid and dull. (These last three entries are yecchh.)
  6. 6.
    Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)
    Cool prologue, then just crazy dumb and unwatchable.
  7. 7.
    The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)
    Remember that post-Soderbergh period in the mid-2000s, where every movie was contractually obligated to be shot through either blue or yellow filters? This one was yellow. The worst!
  8. 8.
    ADDENDUM: I can't watch stuff like this anymore, it's too horrifying!
  9. 9.
    YET ANOTHER ADDENDUM: I just realized this is actually my SECOND "Chainsaw"-related list. Here's the first one: "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," as Recounted to Me by a 10-year-old Named Mike Flynn