The Story of How I Worked With Each Cast Member From the Fictional Movie Sputt Nick.

I wrote a list about my Rupert Pupkin-esque formative years as a comedy nerd (My Comedy Obsession: A Timeline). It had a photo of a poster I drew at age 15 for my dream movie, "Sputt Nick" - with star-studded credits, and me as writer-director. (Why not "star"?!) Here's all the juicy behind-the-scenes gossip, at the request of @eatthelove!
  1. First of all, no matter how good or bad my experience was with any of these people, ALL of them should be commended for agreeing to star in a movie written and directed by a 15-year-old with absolutely no experience whatsoever, based on a character he created for his high school newspaper.
  2. Also, the fact that Universal Pictures agreed to a $35 million budget and gave me complete creative control is staggering.
    It ended up being the lowest-grossing movie of all time. A "Sputt Nick" has become common parlance for "a terrible fucking idea that we all knew was a terrible fucking idea, but nobody bothered to stop it so it happened." Insert Trump joke here, hyuk hyuk.
  3. JOHN CANDY
    He was Sputt, and he was incredible. After a day of shooting, John would say, "I don't feel like going home. Do you?" I'd say no, and he'd tour me around Vancouver in his big, old El Dorado, smoking cigarettes, playing oldies on the radio and telling me about life. Then he'd pull up to a stranger's house, knock on the door and ask if we could hang out. Nine out of ten times, they said yes. He gave me my first beer. God, I miss him!
  4. MADONNA
    I hired her because I was 15 and hoped she would take my virginity. She didn't. In fact, she insulted me every day and ordered Sean Penn to choke me out. During a particularly grueling shoot where I made her sit in a car doing take after take for hours, she called me over for a "private conference" - and threw a coffee cup full of her pee in my face. It was hard to win back the respect of the crew. Today, Madge and I are very close, and each year spend a summer weekend in a cabin in Germany.
  5. STEVE MARTIN
    Steve shared a "Story By" credit with me, but honestly, he wrote 90% of the screenplay. I was thrilled to work with one of my comedy idols. Unfortunately, I quickly grew disillusioned by his peccadilloes. For instance, he would only write nude and wearing a large bouffant hairdo wig. And he would put on this weird, nasal voice and say "Myyyy naaaame ees Brigitte!" I see him at parties sometimes and he pretends not to know me.
  6. BLAIR BROWN
    I had a huge crush on her based on the movie "Continental Divide" and her TV series, "Days and Nights of Molly Dodd." She tolerated me showing up on set each day with mix tapes for her. I humiliated myself calling her late one night and crying. Honestly, she wasn't very good and I barely cobbled a performance out of her in the edit bay.
  7. RICK MORANIS
    Rick was hot off of "Ghostbusters," but he was still just this down-to-earth, sweet-natured Canadian guy. Defended me when the rest of the cast and crew turned on me. After the movie bombed, sent me a really sweet note saying, "Don't worry about it. Someday you'll be 44 with a wife and two kids, and you'll realize that showbiz is bullshit." Then he went on to quit showbiz so he could spend more time with his wife and kids! Can you believe that?! What a puss!
  8. Today, "Sputt Nick" has a huge cult following and is acclaimed as a misunderstood masterpiece. Thanks for requesting that I revisit the imaginary experience that never happened, @eatthelove!