THERE IS AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE KIM KARDASHIAN IS NOW PRESIDENT

  1. She first mentioned running for President two years ago, in a People Magazine interview. Twitter erupted. Everyone laughed.
  2. Then she held her first, formal press conference, announcing herself as a candidate for the Democratic Party. All anyone talked about was how her revealing outfit basically showed her vagina. Photos and video of the announcement were viral for months.
  3. She made statements that everyone ridiculed endlessly: "I'm rich, so I kind of know what I'm talking about." Cable news played all her "stupid" quotes endlessly, with commentators flat-out laughing.
  4. She also announced a policy that was declared particularly stupid: "All rich people like me should have to give, like, $50,000 - and then we'd take all that money and all poor people would get a check for $1,000. Right after I'm elected, everyone gets a check for $1,000."
  5. The $1,000 check was derided as impossible, illegal bribery, dangerously naive and "a child's idea of wealth redistribution." But Kim repeated it in every interview. Lots of jokes and memes erupted about what people planned to do with their $1,000 check.
  6. She made blatantly contradictory statements - like, "Killing is wrong so we should get rid of all our nuclear weapons." But also, "Terrorism is wrong, so we should just, like, kill all terrorists." It became funnier and funnier to hear her speak. Her rallies got crowded.
  7. While Hillary and Bernie were arguing over education, Kim simply announced, "College should be free for poor people. It's totally possible, seriously."
  8. Fox News started raising alarm bells that Kim was a sinister Communist and anarchist. The intellectual Left, which had kept a distance from Kim's growing popularity, began cautiously defending her.
  9. At the first Democratic debate, Kim made the crowd laugh by admitting she couldn't follow what the hell anyone was talking about. She ridiculed Hillary and Bernie's bad outfits and hair. But most controversially - halfway through the debate, she pulled out her phone and started texting.
  10. Everyone was sure her campaign was over. Outraged headlines erupted: "How can she be President if she can't even pay attention during a single debate?!"
  11. But now she was skyrocketing in the polls. People said they related to Kim: "I was texting during the debate, too."
  12. And everyone was talking about that $1,000 check. At her rallies, crowds chanted, "ONE! THOUSAND! DOLLARS!" Kim would just stand at the podium, checking her phone until the crowd settled down.
  13. A lot of hand-wringing editorials were written about the age of reality TV, and how we were now stuck with Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian as our choices for President - two ideologically-incoherent demagogues.
  14. The concern really increased after a terror attack - when Kim topped Trump's extreme rhetoric by declaring that as President, she herself would personally kill the terrorists. "Because killing is wrong, but you know, like people who eat meat only if they killed it themselves...? That's why I, as President, will kill the terrorists."
  15. And then it happened - someone dug out another sex tape of Kim, this time performing sex acts with multiple partners. The media pronounced her campaign dead. There was no way the President of the United States could be seen on camera having group sex.
  16. Everyone was upset that the networks were now flat-out broadcasting porn, because it's "news." Trump ran a lot of "think of the children" attack ads.
  17. Kim eventually appeared on SNL, making fun of the tape. The crowds at her rallies kept cheering, "ONE! THOUSAND! DOLLARS!"
  18. The Trump/ Kardashian debates were a complete train wreck. Trump was now openly checking his phone, too. Everyone agreed Trump had won by at least sticking to the topics. But Kim was always the one quoted the next day - saying things like, "All your snorting and sniffing is making me want to throw up."
  19. During the second debate, Trump lost his composure and called Kim a "whore." Kim shot back, "Fuck you, you fat, ugly piece of shit."
  20. Commentators openly mourned the end of civil discourse, our democracy and all decency.
  21. Going into election night, polls showed Trump with a 95% chance of winning.