Things I Did in Mexico
My last trip to Mexico was probably 15 years ago. I look forward to returning someday, and experiencing the country as a responsible adult. Because I definitely WON'T have experiences like the ones listed below.
- •Drove to Tijuana with my then-girlfriend and her grandparents, so her Grandma could buy illegal pills.
- •Continued down to Ensenada so we could see La Bufadora, the famous geyser/ "blowhole."
- •Kept driving south, through the countryside. We were followed by a beat-up old car and thought nothing of it. After about an hour, we stopped to buy coconuts on the side of the road. The other car stopped too; a pair of guys holding AK-47s got out. They identified themselves as police and ordered us to follow them.
- •Was taken to a small, concrete bunker (the "police station") where my girlfriend's Grandpa was led inside. The "police" told him, "You were speeding and we need to fine you. How much money do you have?" He said $200. They replied, "The fine is $200."
- •Went straight from the "police station" to the nearest bar, where me and the grandparents got blind drunk, then almost fell in a swimming pool. What an ignominious death that would've been.
- •In another bar, met a local who was excited that I was a comedian. We sat for hours exchanging jokes - both struggling to translate the linguistic/ cultural discrepancies that made each joke funny.The only Mexican joke I remember was about a criminal who disguises himself as a nun to hide in a convent. Police arrive and - attempting to smoke him out - line up all the nuns and order them to lift their habits, prove they're women by exposing themselves and announce their names (for instance, "Sor Mary" or "Sor Elizabeth"). When they get to the criminal, he lifts his habit, exposes his dick and announces "Sor-PRIIIIIISE!!!"
- •Went to Juarez at the height of the city's truly terrifying crime wave in the 1990s.
- •Attended a bullfight where endless brawls broke out in the crowd - to the point that it was like watching "The Wave" happen at a baseball game.
- •Drove around to various bars with a ranchero dude who got drunker at each spot. Then he drove us to what I quickly realized was a brothel and told me to wait in the car. I sat in the dark, scary parking lot for what felt like hours.I could make a whole other list of Terrifying Situations I Placed Myself In During My 20s, and this would be high on said list.
- •Ate incredible food and endless bowls of menudo.
- •Now I want menudo.I ❤️ menudo!