Things I Would Tell 55-year-old Me

  1. What the hell? How did you get in here? I'm calling the police.
  2. "Time travel?" That's absurd! Time travel is impossible.
  3. True, you do resemble me, albeit with a more distinguished, white-haired John Slattery vibe. But prove you are who you claim to be.
  4. My God. No one could possibly know that about me except me! And the people on ListApp who I inappropriately shared it with at 2 a.m.! Fine, I believe you, improbable as it may seem. But why have you traveled through time to visit me? Are my children all right?
  5. Really! They've both made it through high school without posing nude online and are on their way to great success, yet with time for self-development and family. That's wonderful!
  6. Hold up - what now? When does THAT happen? When I'm 49? Yeesh. So I should really listen to my doctor about the whole sodium-intake thing.
  7. And stop drinking completely.
  8. And exercise more, yeah, got it.
  9. Vegan diet, uh-huh.
  10. No, I'm totally listening.
  11. I AM taking this seriously. I was just checking my phone. Keep talking.
  12. Well, 55-year-old me, this has been amazing, but you should probably get going if you're -- what?
  13. No, I'm not going to have sex with you. Are you joking?
  14. Because -- because that's, like, super-creepy.
  15. It is NOT a "form of masturbation." That's insane.
  16. I don't believe that "everyone" in your time period travels back in time to have sex with their younger selves. I think you're just saying that to talk me into it. You know what? Just get the hell out of here.
  17. I'm not anything-phobic! And it is not "archaic" to -- you know what, I'm not debating this. You're being inappropriate. Get out!
  18. Yeah, yeah, Blackberry stock. Big comeback, got it. Uh-huh. Putting all my money into it, totally. BYYYYYEEEEE.
  19. God, I hated that guy.