Today's Fears, Ranked

  1. 1.
    Blood pressure
    It's high. Saw the doctor yesterday; she gave me a deadline to lose 20 pounds, or shit gets serious. Told me, "In N Out Burger is no longer a part of your life." Scared me good - like, download-My-Fitness-Pal good. No "animal-style" burger tastes as good as not having a massive coronary feels!
  2. 2.
    The big professional meeting I've got at 4 p.m.
    Am I prepared? Am I too prepared? Is this IT - i.e., the career opportunity that will lead me to a life of effortless bliss, and spiritual elevation, where I become so rich and thin that I literally float around a giant, spacious house in the Hollywood Hills wearing loose, white clothing all day? Or is this the Jenga piece I pull that causes my complete collapse into homelessness? It must be one or the other, right?
  3. 3.
    Random tragedy
    Your basic, daily, other-shoe-drops, movie-trailer anxiety: "He had the perfect life. The perfect house. The perfect family. UNTIL..."
  4. 4.
    Karmic retribution for every lie and misdeed I've ever committed
    Me: "Honey? What's that? What's that letter that came in the mail?" Wife: (HANDS SHAKING) "It's -- it's a LIST, Aaron. Some anonymous person has listed a bunch of lies and misdeeds you committed." (TEARS AND RISING FURY) "And now I HATE YOU!!!"
  5. 5.
    By having Obama on WTF, Marc Maron has finally taken the very last ounce of success for middle-aged, bespectacled, Eastside L.A., "self-helppy" white guys.
    Fear pleasantly mitigated by seeing last season's Louie episode featuring Marc, that was clearly about Louie feeling the same thing.
  6. 6.
    This is the day that everyone on ListApp has had it with me, and lets me know in witheringly sarcastic, brilliantly dismissive terms.
    And it's revealed that the entire app was a mind-blowingly elaborate, "Truman Show"-style prank to get to this moment! God, I wish everything in the world really WAS about ME!