Today's Fears, Ranked
- 1.Blood pressureIt's high. Saw the doctor yesterday; she gave me a deadline to lose 20 pounds, or shit gets serious. Told me, "In N Out Burger is no longer a part of your life." Scared me good - like, download-My-Fitness-Pal good. No "animal-style" burger tastes as good as not having a massive coronary feels!
- 2.The big professional meeting I've got at 4 p.m.Am I prepared? Am I too prepared? Is this IT - i.e., the career opportunity that will lead me to a life of effortless bliss, and spiritual elevation, where I become so rich and thin that I literally float around a giant, spacious house in the Hollywood Hills wearing loose, white clothing all day? Or is this the Jenga piece I pull that causes my complete collapse into homelessness? It must be one or the other, right?
- 3.Random tragedyYour basic, daily, other-shoe-drops, movie-trailer anxiety: "He had the perfect life. The perfect house. The perfect family. UNTIL..."
- 4.Karmic retribution for every lie and misdeed I've ever committedMe: "Honey? What's that? What's that letter that came in the mail?" Wife: (HANDS SHAKING) "It's -- it's a LIST, Aaron. Some anonymous person has listed a bunch of lies and misdeeds you committed." (TEARS AND RISING FURY) "And now I HATE YOU!!!"
- 5.By having Obama on WTF, Marc Maron has finally taken the very last ounce of success for middle-aged, bespectacled, Eastside L.A., "self-helppy" white guys.Fear pleasantly mitigated by seeing last season's Louie episode featuring Marc, that was clearly about Louie feeling the same thing.
- 6.This is the day that everyone on ListApp has had it with me, and lets me know in witheringly sarcastic, brilliantly dismissive terms.And it's revealed that the entire app was a mind-blowingly elaborate, "Truman Show"-style prank to get to this moment! God, I wish everything in the world really WAS about ME!