I'm talking to a guy that I used to date, and we've established that we both have feelings for each other again and want to be together. His mother died three weeks ago, and he goes back and forth with wanting to talk to me all day to needing space. I'm blessed in that I've never experienced such loss. How can I be supportive?
  1. Any suggestions or past experiences welcome.
  2. Hey! My mom died a few years back so this is my take on it!
    I think simple things like a card or a note that just says "Thinking of You" are so appreciated. I would avoid trying to equate any of your experiences to what they are going through, that can feel really isolating. Even Facebook messages that just said sorry for your loss were appreciated. You're so nice to do this! People avoiding doing or saying anything because they feel uncomfortable is m way worse than any potential awkwardness that comes from reaching out.
    Suggested by @sarahgorman
  3. Listen instead of talking. As awkward as silence can be sometimes it's the best thing. Also, from my experience w personal loss of a loved one, refrain from saying things like "the hurt will lessen" or "she's in a better place." again, staying quiet and being physically present is so very helpful. sorry for your loss😔
    Suggested by @nikkilounoel
  4. Double ditto to Nikki!!! Everything happens for a reason, in a better place, God has a plan, etc are the worst possible things! Death is devastating and there's no finding "hope" and "peace" in the immediate aftermath. Just acknowledge the person's grief and tell them it's valid!
    Suggested by @sarahgorman
  5. everybody deals with grief differently. So I'm only taking about me here, trying not to generalize that. I lost my dad and I can tell you things that really bothered me : pity, people who didn't want to talk about their problems cause ""it's nothing compare to you"". What helped once was just the best hug I ever got that still warms my heart
    (and I even lost touch with him now but this will never be forgotten). Also I think you'll feel depending his mood how to be : if he feels like talking: listen. If he doesn't don't insist. If he wanna laugh laugh with him. Also you still don't know him very well so he might prefer talking to old best friend and it's normal. Also grieving is constantly moving so it will change as time by and go back to step 1
    Suggested by @Lisa_Fav
  6. Avoid trying to "fix" it or be too positive. It's ok to just say, this is so awful, you shouldn't have to go through this, I'm sorry. Also, grief can make it hard to remember/want to do basic things. Doing small tasks for him that might feel overwhelming could be helpful, like laundry or a car wash or groceries or taking care of a pet. Hugs, too.
    Suggested by @marykathryn
  7. Just be there for him!
    I lost my mom when I was 11. Everyone wanted me to talk about it, but I had a hard time processing it. I didn't want to talk about it because everyone around me was trying to be positive. Know that it's easier to sit in silence if he needs it. Whether he vents about how he feels or not, it's always good to know someone is there for you. Everyone grieves at their own pace. He will go back and forth, but try to not take it personally.
    Suggested by @michellejennifer