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Better to be left here than in my head or heart
- •Why do I have such a screwed up relationship with food?I love my body but struggle so much with what I choose to put in it. I am fully aware of the fact that I self-soothe with food and am exhausted from constantly battling the urge to eat. Some days it's a viscous cycle of deprivation, indulgence, and shame.
- •I am going to failI have failed countless times in my life and will do so countless more, but the stakes feel so much higher now. I'm currently in the process of interviewing for jobs, and for some reason, I can't even fathom the idea of receiving an offer. I've been feeding this post-grad-life worry for so long that everything working out doesn't even seem like a plausible option.
- •I am forgettableParticularly to members of the opposite sex. This feeling became especially poignant this year when I realized none of my roommate's boyfriend's friends ever seemed to remember who I was. Tell me, do I ever catch your eye? Do you notice me on campus?
- •Will it always be so...Hard? Stressful? Overwhelming? Exhausting?
Small moments in my life that mostly include crying (oops)
- •When Boston University was the first school to accept my application to transfer and I wept into the phone with my friend Annie in the middle of a crosswalkI didn't end up going to BU, but I was just so relieved to know the difficult application process had paid off
- •When my dog's surgery took longer than expected and I waited on the phone with my mom for two hours to find out if she survivedShe lived! On to snuggle another day
- •When I poked too much fun of my friend in high school and she stormed off and we didn't really speak againI still feel bad. I often think about sending her a Facebook message
Louis C.K.'s television show, Louie, is truly a blessing in my life. In this episode, Louie expresses his unrequited love for a woman, Pamela, in the most compelling scene I've ever witnessed. Louis C.K. is not an actor or a comedian, he's an artist, and I'm continually moved by his portrayal of the nuances of human existence. My favorite lines:
- •"I don't have enough time in any day to think about you enough. I feel like I'm going to live a thousand years because that's how much time it's going to take to have one thought about you which is that I'm crazy about you, Pamela. I don't want to be with anybody else."
- •"I don't think about women anymore I think about you."
- •"I was brought into existence to know you. And that's enough. The idea that you would want me back, it's like greedy."
I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting today and Heidi the facilitator/goddess/weight-loss extraordinaire was spitting some of the realest dieting advice.
- •"Are you hungry here, here, or here?"As she pointed to her head, heart, and stomach
- •"If hunger is not the problem food is never the answer"GODDAMMIT HEIDI calling out my deeply-seeded emotional eating issues
- •That's all I can remember verbatim but the meeting was less about food and more about being mindful of your behavior and catering to your mental and emotional needs as well AND I CAN STILL EAT BREAD THANKS OPRAH
- •Edit: Heidi has since moved on to live her best life in San Francisco. While no one can replace her, there have still been some memorable quotes in her absence. From last week's meeting: "Exercise should be a celebration of what your body can do, not a punishment for something you ate."
Day two of online dating
- •His bio: "How well we will get along is directly proportional to how much you love motorcycles"
- •NONE AMOUNT I LOVE MOTORCYCLES NONE AMOUNT
First time flying home since Christmas! Chicago ➡️ CA
- •Fully expanded suitcase containing 53 pounds of sandals, thongs, and summer clothes that inevitably no longer fitAs well as all the other clothes I will never wear but couldn't bear to leave behind as a chronic overpacker
- •Look of despair when attendant notifies you that your bag is 13 pounds over the 40 pound weight limitThe standard weight limit for every other airline is 50 pounds, but do I fly every other airline?? No, I fly (crushed) Spirit because I hate myself and love a good deal
- •Comfortable, chic, weather appropriate outfit consisting of snow boots and three layers of bulky clothing in MayBecause guess where those thirteen pounds went?
- •When a boy takes off his sweatshirt and his shirt goes with it and he flashes a lil belly
An ode to my roommate. Thank you for calming me down and building me up and being only slightly annoyed by my incessant nakedness. I cherish you deeply.
- •This is my roommate, Mary
- •She is very important to me
- •Look how cute she is
- •Call your momBecause there is an incredible angel woman out there who will always reassure you that you did your best even if you didn't
- •Cry in the showerBig heaving sobs. Turn the water on hot
- •Eat all the dessertsThis one is a cruel mix of comfort and guilt but important nonetheless