SHAMELESS THINGS I DID AT THE MINNESOTA STATE FAIR

I'm 22 and went with my parents to the Minnesota State Fair
  1. 1.
    1st stop: The Miracle of Birth barn, where you sit in the bleachers and watch livestock - you guessed it - shoot critters out of their industrial-strength vajeans. I case the joint like the pro I am and there was little to no action - and no god damn gosh darn piglets!!! I LIVE 4 the piglets. Day 1 of the fair rookie-fuckin-mistake.
  2. 2.
    But hark! There were 2 lambs. Apparently the sheep couldn't hold it in any longer on their transport trucks the night prior, so they gave birth in transit. I remember being allowed to hold a piglet at a fair when I was 10, so I flirt shamelessly with the guy minding the lambs. Nothing. Whatever, he's into lambs and that's weird.
  3. 3.
    I spot a woman holding a lamb that kids are petting. Bing-to the freaking-o. I tower over the children in line. Finally it's my turn, but when I go to pet the lamb in the woman's arms I end up jabbing her in the breast. We lock eyes. I vacate immediately, knowing I was being an equal opportunity slut at that lamb pen.
  4. 4.
    I pose with a blow-up Sriracha toy that I pretend I'm buying from one of those street vendors. It was $15 and that's god damn insane. I look like Pooh Bear in the picture, so the point is moot. I finally understand karma.
  5. 5.
    I wander from my parents to a wheel you can spin to win 32 oz. of fries, so needless to say I get in line. My mom finds me and shames me in front of the gaunt, beautiful, soccer-playing teens behind me by pulling me out of line. I tell the teens not to let her squash their dreams, she tells them I just got out of the hospital.
  6. 6.
    We go to the Dairy Barn for fresh milk, because that's what you do at the state fair. (I realize this place is a vegan's night terror and my erotic dream.) They give us milk in fucking bottles. Is this a middle school cafeteria? I didn't think so - cuz I'm NOT pretending to know who The White Stripes are to look cool in front of Ethan Goldberg.
  7. 7.
    I eat 3 fried pickles.
  8. 8.
    We end up at the Republican Party booth. I sulk about, noticing that the people who support the party get to relax in an air conditioned grotto while they fill jugs representing each candidate with corn kernels. No joke. My dad is high on life and buys a party camo hat that makes it look like I should have a purity ring.
  9. 9.
    My dad makes me pose with the large elephant mascot. I reluctantly do so, feeling my liberal progressive alma mater roIling over in its endowment. A child throws something at the elephant mid-photo, I jokingly call him a democrat. My dad jumps in to assure the elephant that I was talking about the child and not myself. The elephant remains silent.
  10. 10.
    I eat 3 mini donuts.
  11. 11.
    I eat a literal cone of chocolate chip cookies.
  12. 12.
    I wait in line for the bathroom and witness a young child pee ON her mother in her arms. I think for a moment that I probably peed on my parents at some point and that I should tell them how thankful I am for them. Instead I message a GroupMe titled "Skinny Rich & Tan" that I'm never having kids.
  13. 13.
    I eat chicken tikka masala on a stick, which I had seen hyped up on the news. I recognize the man from the segment and tell him I would die if I didn't try the chicken tikka on a stikka. What I thought was a darling hyperbole turned out to be cause for concern for him that I was actually going to kill myself. I think I'm a lot cuter than I am.