Planning Things

{This list got away from me a bit}
  1. I am a planner
  2. I am an oldest child, and I have 4 younger siblings so I feel like that makes me even more "oldest child-er" than I already am
  3. In my family I'm a leader and I'm often "in charge" of organizing and coordinating things with my sibs and parents
  4. But I get so anxious when planning things with my friends
  5. What if they don't want to do what I want to do?
  6. What if I don't want to do what they want to do?
  7. What if I accidentally offend them with one of my suggestions?
  8. If they think I'm dumb or silly for wanting to do something a certain way
    Even though I've thought it through from every angle I can see and my suggestion is generally the best option for all
  9. I often overthink and overanalyze every message I send when we're planning something
  10. I have a much steadier job than some of them and I don't want to suggest something that they can't afford
    (I don't make a lot of money and I have tons of loans but I'm employed full time, not still in school or living paycheck to paycheck and my vacation time is fairly flexible)
  11. I'm >never< late to be ready or show up for plans
  12. But they're usually and predictably late
  13. I hate asking for favors...when we go into the city my friend lives in, I avoid staying over unless she specifically invites me because I don't want her to feel used or put upon
  14. I often run all these insecurities past my mom and sister and they encourage me to just ask, just plan, because after all these are people I've been friends with for going on 10 years now
  15. But I had some issues with them in middle school that maybe I haven't quite gotten past
    Even though they've been nothing but amazing since we left high school
  16. But a bunch of them have moved away. I'm left almost alone in our hometown, and I don't feel like I have a "best friend" in the group
  17. This list has gotten away from me
  18. So I've been wanting to go away for my birthday for awhile now, but I know a bunch of them all have plans (not together or anything exclusionary) that weekend, so I don't want to put it out there and have nobody be able to make it. Again.
  19. And I know a bunch of them can't afford to do what i really want which is go away and explore a new city so I don't even want to ask
  20. If I make a whole plan and invite everyone and no one can make it that would be worse than not asking
  21. And I would totally go by myself for a solo adventure, but I can't afford it without someone to share hotel costs with
  22. Anyway, the point is planning things with my friends always stresses me out. I don't have as strong a personality as some of them
  23. I LOVE planning things, it's exciting for me, but I mostly let my friends do it because I'm too insecure and stressful