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  1. Curtains
    Literally just long strips of fabric.
  2. Sheets
    See curtains.
  3. Luggage
    Box on wheels. Not much there.
7 more...
  1. Sleeveless turtlenecks
  2. Software on cd-rom
  3. Disc drives???
7 more...
  1. Guns don't kill people. People kill people.
  2. Vending machines don’t kill people. An imbalanced ratio of mixed nuts to candy kills people (on the inside).
  3. Lawn darts don’t kill people. Our lack of a beetle-like protective outer shell is our biggest evolutionary design flaw.
5 more...
  1. What's with the fish? Are you giving it to me? Is this what I can come to expect in a relationship with you? Free bass?
  2. Yes, but HOW fluent are you in sarcasm? Could you read the sarcastic translation of the Bible (fondly renamed "Ugh, It's The Bible")?
  3. Where do you live where you have such easy access to mountains to do handstands on top of?
16 more...
  1. Unintentionally leveling your childhood home with your mind
  2. A chode toe
  3. One giant paper mache hand shaking hands with another giant paper mache hand
13 more...
  1. 6 minutes late? Thanks for throwing off my zen. Maybe go die.
  2. This pose isn't hard at all, why is she sweating so much.
  3. I hope this doesn't make me sore for Pilates later.
8 more...
  1. Social media
    It ain't gonna stalk itself
  2. Shopping for seasonally inappropriate footwear
    That's surprisingly not on sale??
  3. Getting a price quote on a rental truck for when I move to Chicago
    Proceeding to vomit from cost
7 more...
Yet I still do it #fitness
  1. Because it's the worst
    Don't lie to yourself
  2. My right earbud always falls out no matter what I do
  3. When I do get my earbuds to stay in, the wind rushing past my head makes it impossible to hear my hot jamz
7 more...
I am the most photogenic.
  1. 13.
    Cookie Monster party hat. Sass where real human emotion should be. Great birthday.
  2. 12.
    Gotta stay up on those hashtag trends!
  3. 11.
    You will never win an ugly Christmas sweater competition with me so I advise you to abandon your dreams before I crush them with my bare, sparkly hands.
10 more...
  1. I DON'T KNOW.