Things that actually kill people

  1. Guns don't kill people. People kill people.
  2. Vending machines don’t kill people. An imbalanced ratio of mixed nuts to candy kills people (on the inside).
  3. Lawn darts don’t kill people. Our lack of a beetle-like protective outer shell is our biggest evolutionary design flaw.
  4. Pennies falling from tall buildings don’t kill people. This country’s reckless fiscal abandon that led to that penny carelessly being dropped in the first place will eventually kill us all.
  5. Accidentally overdoing it with the auto-erotic asphyxiation doesn’t kill people. “It should though” — my Aunt Sharon.
  6. Cigarettes don’t kill people. Smoking is cool and the only way cool people die is in elaborate sports car accidents, unexplained explosions, or by way of a broken heart.
  7. Choking on an under-chewed piece of meat doesn’t kill people. Vegans call that “divine retribution.”
  8. People don’t kill people. Death beckons us to its eternal realm whenever it sees fit and we shall not take issue with its chosen means or timeline.