Things that actually kill people
- •Guns don't kill people. People kill people.
- •Vending machines don’t kill people. An imbalanced ratio of mixed nuts to candy kills people (on the inside).
- •Lawn darts don’t kill people. Our lack of a beetle-like protective outer shell is our biggest evolutionary design flaw.
- •Pennies falling from tall buildings don’t kill people. This country’s reckless fiscal abandon that led to that penny carelessly being dropped in the first place will eventually kill us all.
- •Accidentally overdoing it with the auto-erotic asphyxiation doesn’t kill people. “It should though” — my Aunt Sharon.
- •Cigarettes don’t kill people. Smoking is cool and the only way cool people die is in elaborate sports car accidents, unexplained explosions, or by way of a broken heart.
- •Choking on an under-chewed piece of meat doesn’t kill people. Vegans call that “divine retribution.”
- •People don’t kill people. Death beckons us to its eternal realm whenever it sees fit and we shall not take issue with its chosen means or timeline.