(A SELECTION OF) DIETS I HAVE TRIED

@ChrisK everyone go checkout his golden list of list ideas
  1. Atkins, age 11
    My sister, Mom, and I decided to try it to "get fit for summer." I was in 5th grade. I drank gallons of water and brought grilled chicken for lunch when I knew it was going to be nacho or pizza day. I wasn't eating nearly enough but was obsessed with being the perfect lil dieter. I lost ten pounds in one week and then fainted on a school bus. Mom picked me up from the emergency room and we went to Chili's. (Fifth grade is too young for diets)
  2. Diet for Teenagers Only by Barbara Schroeder and Carrie Wiatt, age 14
    This one was actually pretty healthy. Learned what a calorie was and how to not hate vegetables. Lost about ten pounds over the summer before high school. All was undone at the Minnesota State Fair which takes place literally the day before school begins. A valiant effort.
  3. Total Body Rapid Cleanse (7 day program), age 20
    Had a permanent food baby post-holidays. The formula: take like 12 pills at three different points of the day (some for colon "detoxification", some for liver, etc). Then drink a shit ton of water and eat only veggies for the first four days. Had half a slice of pizza the third day and then spent the next day with near-paralyzing diarrhea (they don't tell you if you cheat you will pass away but I also felt that in a way I deserved it). Lost five lbs, returned the kit to Whole Foods immediately.