REASONS WHY THE MAN WHO ENDS UP MARRYING ME HAS HIS FUCKING WORK CUT OUT FOR HIM

I'm so single but decided to issue my marriage threats early
  1. I can't let shit go
    I'm still sort of mad at everyone I've ever fought with and I still love everyone I've ever loved
  2. I literally won't get out of bed unless there's money on the line or a family member is trapped in a well or something
  3. If he doesn't share my particular taste in television I will dispose of him immediately
    You don't watch crazy ex girlfriend and love and hip hop atl back to back?!? Get the fuck out my face!!!!
  4. I am connected-at-the-hip close to my family so good luck trying to even see me regularly tbh??
  5. I'm gonna be obsessed with him
    Whenever I'm in love I want to know everything about the person so be prepared to answer lots of probing q's about your third grade teacher
  6. I like things my way (the correct way) and if he deviates from this I will change the locks on him
    Learned this move from my Mom during my parents Lifetime-Movie-worthy-dramatic divorce (congrats, you are now obligated to deal with my tons and tons of emotional baggage!)
  7. He's gonna have to help out with my hair
    I have roughly 70 pounds of dense kinky hair so if he expects me to tolerate his sweaty, not-contributing-to-the-rent dog he's gonna need to pitch in and detangle
  8. I always win fights
    I can be so vicious and cruel but I am also very observant and thus, rarely wrong. Good luck bro, you need it.