I WATCHED SUCKER PUNCH SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO

"but why, apryl?" i hear you ask. well, dear reader(s), i'm in the process of filling the gaps in my oscar isaac (💘) filmography. i've read nothing but bad things about this movie but i decided to suck it up & do it for oscar (& this list). spoilers imminent (but honestly, it won't matter- nothing makes sense anyway).
  1. 'you will be unprepared'
    you're not wrong. i was.
  2. this is directed by ZACK SNYDER.
    even his name makes me barf. he should only be applauded for how good the opening credits of 'watchmen' were (wish that had been the whole film).
  3. i guess he also directed a morrissey video?
    relevant to my interests.
  4. emily browning's mum has died
    some evil looking dude- her dad? stepdad?- looks pretty pleased. but not at the will? and now he's attacking her. and her sister? oh wow. this got bleak very fast.
  5. she's escaped the locked room!
    just shot out a lightbulb. bad aim? her sister is dead. BUMMER. and now she's been arrested. DOUBLE BUMMER.
  6. this feels like it's intentionally trying to emulate 'sin city'
    which i guess is maybe the point?
  7. she's taken to LENNOX HOUSE
    what would be cool is if this was an intentional nod to the use of a cover of the eurhythmics 'sweet dreams' but i feel like maybe i'm reading too much into that?
  8. HI OSCAR ISAAC
    feel like you're someone i'm probably supposed to dislike? but you look great in white. CONFLICTED ALREADY.
  9. this film has a very dark colour palate.
    i've just had to adjust the brightness of my television THREE TIMES.
  10. this cover of 'where is my mind?' is interesting.
    inspired use for a movie set in a mental asylum though. that's a new one.
  11. why is jon hamm here?
    was there a space between mad men seasons that he was desperate to fill? i'm not mad. looking great in those glasses, jon.
  12. oh okay, we're in a weird parallel universe now?
    the asylum is now a cabaret club? and oscar is in white suit. sick moustache, babe.
  13. JENNA MALONE
    you're so great.
  14. vanessa hudgens is here too!
    we're all in this together. go wildcats!
  15. i'm 15 minutes in, emily browning hasn't spoken once.
    this is really weird when you notice it.
  16. they're using one of my favourite songs by the smiths
    'asleep' 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
  17. oscar looks 💯 wearing eyeliner
  18. babydoll (gross nickname) is being made to dance to a bjork song
    this is hilarious. and now she's daydreaming within a daydream? inception!
  19. i still haven't really fathomed out what's going on by the way.
    babydoll is in a temple? with a samurai? who is played by scott glenn? her bunches and sailor suit are really stressing me out by the way.
  20. scott glenn is explaining how she can 'get out' and escape.
    literally what the fuck is going on?
  21. NOW THERE ARE SAMURAI WARRIORS SHE HAS TO FIGHT?
    it's okay though as she's actually an incredibly well trained martial arts practitioner which makes for some a+ matrix style fight sequences.
  22. guys: she was actually just DANCING!
    we're back in the studio. wow. never underestimate the power of interpretive dance.
  23. map, fire, knife, key
    babydoll's big plan. she needs all these things. it's like a VIDEO GAME. she's going to trick everyone wth DANCE.
  24. i guess this passed the bechdel test?
    these girls are having conversations about something other than men, so that IS nice to see in a movie where they're dancers in a creepy bar. i don't think it's the feminist revenge tale it thinks it is but still.
  25. babydoll has daydreamed them all into a Second World War scenario?!
    this is FUCKING BIZARRE.
  26. "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything"
    solid life advice i guess?
  27. this is pretty much a video game.
    level one achieved.
  28. rocket and babydoll are having a real heart-to-heart
    this moment is a chekov's gun. one of them is going to die.
  29. as a rule, satin suits do not work for anyone but oscar is really working that ensemble.
    you're a real clothes horse, blue.
  30. level 2: the mayor is coming
    he has a lighter! they NEED a lighter.
  31. don't worry, babydoll has danced them into a scene from lord of the rings
    this stooges cover is making me so sad.
  32. sweet dragon 🐲
    you can't just slit a baby dragon's throat and expect to get away with it.
  33. oscar is literally crying at how great babydoll's dance was
    😢 OR maybe he's sad the dragon was killed? it's hard to tell at this point.
  34. THAT GOLD DINNER JACKET
    good lord 😘
  35. i get the impression babydoll's dancing is basically just her swaying?
    she's swayed them into a futuristic train heist though, so she's obviously good at her job. hope she's putting that skill on her CV.
  36. just need you to know that i'm still so confused by this all.
    they're on a train that doesn't stop. snowpiercer? speed? idk.
  37. rocket got stabbed?!
    WAY TO KILL OFF JENNA MALONE, GUYS
  38. jon hamm is the high roller!
    and he looks like he just walked off the set of mad men. hi, super donny drapes!
  39. amber blabbed!
    NOT cool. and now she's dead! and so is amber! THAT ESCALATED VERY QUICKLY.
  40. and babydoll just stabbed oscar!
    but she got the key and now she and sweetpea are escaping!
  41. map, fire, knife, key and....
    ohhhhh babydoll is sacrificing herself for someone who has been mean to her for the whole duration of this confusing escapade!
  42. she's out of dreamworld now!
    hamm just lobotomised her. but he's realised it was a HUGE MISTAKE. naughty oscar isaac forged dr gorski's signature on her paperwork.
  43. and now we see everyone in the asylum and learn that babydoll did all the things that she inception imagined she and her gal pals did.
    the orderlies don't want to hurt anyone anymore even if oscar says so (he obviously didn't die?!)
  44. oscar has been arrested for being a total creep
    FINALLY gorski, you came through for the girls.
  45. *weird voice over about guardian angels*
    i have absolutely no idea why sweet pea got to leave and babydoll didn't?! both of their sisters died so it's not like it was a fair trade off?!
  46. SCOTT GLENN IS THE IRL BUS DRIVER
    he's saved her from the police! what a champ.
  47. that was a total fucking mess.
    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ thanks for reading! never watch this movie (unless you want to consider how it could really have killed oscar's film career).