"The 10 Best Times I Was Shot!" by Theodore Roosevelt
Found inside the mouth of a taxidermied lion in 1919.
- •10) Right thigh (1898): On the glorious field of battle!A precocious young Spaniard broke through our line in Las Guasimas and landed a good one right in my leg, shattering the bone! Read three books while surgeons removed the bullet.
- •9) Chest (1912): During that Speech in Milwaukee!I was running for President under a third party because, why not, you know? John Flammang Schrank, an insane man, shot me during my speech, which I famously finished anyway! What is less well known is the marathon I then ran afterwards. The 26.2 mile blood trail I left became the perimeter of a new national park!
- •8) Left Arm (1890): The street!An accident, but thrilling nonetheless!
- •7) Abdomen (1875): During a boxing match gone right!After just 3 hours of sparring the other chap yelled, “You are no man! You are a god,” pulled a pistol from an ankle holster and shot clean and true into my stomach! I can recommend no better remedy for indigestion.
- •6) Spine (1884): On the floor of the New York State Assembly!Just boys being boys! If anything, this gave me more to talk about during the filibuster!
- •5) Ear Graze (1905): The White House Lawn!Mind games with Vice President Charles W. Fairbanks again! “Go ahead, you miserable, Vice Presidential bastard, shoot me! Become The President,” I yelled at the crying man, per our weekly routine. Fairbanks had enough and actually shot me, and I finally respected the son of a bitch enough to give him a key to The White House!
- •4) Right Shoulder (1909): The African Savanna!Taped a rifle to an Elephant’s trunk to make things interesting. The elephant killed most of my hunting party, but he and I became good friends! One day we will embrace again upon the great plains, and I will bring him fresh ammo!
- •3) Both My Legs (1887) : The Hospital!Polio runs in the family, so I shot that nasty disease clear out of my body! I've always said the best medicine is man’s sheer willpower.
- •2) Left Hand (1904): Bedroom!Woke up shot!
- •1) Right Shin (1858-1919): My Family Estate in Oyster Bay, NY.While reading the last page of my millionth book, I was struck by a bullet that I had fired directly up into the air as an infant! Couldn’t even feel the darn thing, so I simply asked my servant James to turn out my light and went to sleep.