"Why The Boston Tea Party Ruined Parties For Me Forever" by Samuel Adams
Samuel Adams famously went into a deep melancholy following the Boston Tea Party, which he called “the biggest rager this city will ever see.” He would send back this list whenever he was invited to a state dinner.
- •Regular parties just seem so “blah” now, you know?
- •Parties are just more fun if the person hosting the party is everyone’s mutual enemy.
- •Once you party on a boat, there’s no going back.
- •One word: stakes. Is this party going to start an intercontinental war? No? Not interested.
- •I don’t want to go to a party unless I know it’s going to have a direct impact on how much taxes I pay.
- •No costume has or ever will be better than a Native American costume. Lightweight, comfortable, and just the right amount of face paint. Great for dancing.
- •Hosts are never ok with me dumping their belongings into water. I’m sorry, Abigail Adams.
- •On a similar note, I’ve gotten into a bad habit of saying “let’s tea party this bitch!” whenever I get into a dispute with a host.
- •The phrase “would you like some tea?” causes my eyes to go blind with British hatred, and I just sort of lose my goddamn mind.
- •Things have been different since the revolution, and “Presidents” just isn’t as much fun to play as “Kings.”
- •Like, is it too much to ask for a party to start a revolution? So sick of these corporate parties in Washington’s house.
- •Everyone has forgotten how to truly party. Sons of Liberty? More like Grandpas of Liberty.
- •The BTP was just a bunch of dudes hanging out. No chicks. No Brits. No problems.
- •I can stay home and brew my own beer. Thinking of calling it “ Sammy Adam’s Funky Punch.” Open to ideas.