"Why The Boston Tea Party Ruined Parties For Me Forever" by Samuel Adams

Samuel Adams famously went into a deep melancholy following the Boston Tea Party, which he called “the biggest rager this city will ever see.” He would send back this list whenever he was invited to a state dinner.
  1. Regular parties just seem so “blah” now, you know?
  2. Parties are just more fun if the person hosting the party is everyone’s mutual enemy.
  3. Once you party on a boat, there’s no going back.
  4. One word: stakes. Is this party going to start an intercontinental war? No? Not interested.
  5. I don’t want to go to a party unless I know it’s going to have a direct impact on how much taxes I pay.
  6. No costume has or ever will be better than a Native American costume. Lightweight, comfortable, and just the right amount of face paint. Great for dancing.
  7. Hosts are never ok with me dumping their belongings into water. I’m sorry, Abigail Adams.
  8. On a similar note, I’ve gotten into a bad habit of saying “let’s tea party this bitch!” whenever I get into a dispute with a host.
  9. The phrase “would you like some tea?” causes my eyes to go blind with British hatred, and I just sort of lose my goddamn mind.
  10. Things have been different since the revolution, and “Presidents” just isn’t as much fun to play as “Kings.”
  11. Like, is it too much to ask for a party to start a revolution? So sick of these corporate parties in Washington’s house.
  12. Everyone has forgotten how to truly party. Sons of Liberty? More like Grandpas of Liberty.
  13. The BTP was just a bunch of dudes hanging out. No chicks. No Brits. No problems.
  14. I can stay home and brew my own beer. Thinking of calling it “ Sammy Adam’s Funky Punch.” Open to ideas.