EMBARRASSINGLY COMPLETE RANKING OF TRADER JOE'S DESSERTS

MY MAGNUM OPUS (goes from worst to best). None of these pictures are mine; I just googled for them.
  1. 1.
    Dark chocolate sea salt caramels
    There is just too much salt and the caramel isn't thick enough.
  2. 2.
    Raspberry sorbet
    There is a weird aftertaste, plus I think there's that one coloring agent (carageenan?) that comes from beetles. Its saving grace is that you can sing the name of this dessert like "Raspberry Beret" by Prince.
  3. 3.
    Mochi ice cream (any flavor)
    The ratio of gooey rice thing to ice cream is skewed. It is novel and fun, though.
  4. 4.
    Astounding multi-flavor joe joes
    These are cloying. It's too much. Regular joe joes are a fine cookie. Why mess with a good thing?
  5. 5.
    Milk chocolate salted caramel butter cookies
    These are pleasant and mellow, but I wish they were crunchier and that the chocolate was richer.
  6. 6.
    Ginger snaps
    These are a little spicier than you'd expect, and that's a welcome surprise.
  7. 7.
    Chocolate-covered orange sticks
    A grown-up take on jelly candy, a Hebrew school delicacy
  8. 8.
    Caribbean fruit floes
    There's not a ton of flavor, but these are satisfying on a hot day.
  9. 9.
    Chocolatey cats cookies for people
    The name is just the greatest! These have a mild, nostalgic kind of flavor--they seem kid-friendly. Plus you can just grab a fistful and stuff it in your greedy face.
  10. 10.
    Candy cane joe joes
    These have a really pleasing combination of soft and crunchy textures. The creme takes a away some of the bite of the mint.
  11. 11.
    Frozen yogurt
    Not tart enough to be a great yogurt but not rich enough to be a great ice cream. Woe is this liminal dessert.
  12. 12.
    Sandwich cookies with hazelnut creme
    These are arguably their most pretentious cookie--and what a cookie! It's like a less sweet version of Nutella inside these delicate nutty cookies. A+ 💯
  13. 13.
    Break-apart orange chocolate ball
    I love how this smells. There's something old-fashioned about it. The foil appeals to me.
  14. 14.
    Chocolate covered pretzels
    You really can't go wrong.
  15. 15.
    Dark chocolate bar with pecans and raisins
    Better than you'd think. The raisins keep the chocolate from getting too chalky and the pecans add some good texture. This one is on regular rotation.
  16. 16.
    🍌banana bites🍌
    Suggested by   @lindsaygelfand
  17. 17.
    Plain dark chocolate bar
    It's sweet enough and rich enough. They knew better than to fuck with an unfuckwithable thing. I keep them in my desk.
  18. 18.
    Gummy bears
    The right colors, the right texture, and the right flavors, plus you can freeze them.
  19. 19.
    Peanut butter tracks ice cream
    The vanilla in this is incredible. It's not too sweet and very creamy. Then you get peanut butter cups and caramel. What more do you want?!
  20. 20.
    English toffee
    This has delicious thick caramel, chocolate, nuts, and just the right amount of salt. I want to write a desperate love song about it.
  21. 21.
    Ice cream bon bons
    These are a game-changer. It's about a Tbsp of ice cream on a brownie disc that is then DIPPED IN CHOCOLATE. @molliekatzen mentioned them in a list, I tried them, and the rest is history. Eat one and know true happiness.