LIFECYCLE OF WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR

  1. 1.
    DAY 1: You buy the underwear. You like the fabric, the cut, the way it feels, the way it looks under your clothing, and the way it looks without your clothing. This, you tell yourself, was an excellent purchase. So begins your doomed love story.
  2. 2.
    AFTER ABOUT 8 MONTHS: Gradually, it will start to stretch or shrink. You can slow this process by hand washing or line drying, but make no mistake: Father Time comes for us all.
  3. 3.
    AFTER ABOUT A YEAR: It will tear, either in the ass or in the double-lined part. Why does it tear? From sitting? From washing? From your vagina dentata? Scientists still don't have the answer. Your underwear is transitioning into its twilight years as period underwear.
    If it doesn't tear, then the elastic will break.
  4. 4.
    IN 2-3 YEARS: You will bleed on the once-pristine fabric. It will continue to stretch/shrink, tear, and become discolored.
  5. 5.
    AFTER 3 YEARS: Even if you wear your pair only as period underwear, it's no longer self-respecting to wear this tattered rag on your person. You must say goodbye and start the process anew.
    It's the circle of life, and it rules us all.