5 Things 'I Can't Even' This Weekend

A list of the crap I saw in the (food) world this week that needs to be gone. At least for the weekend. Take it as a little rant after a long week 😁😉🎉
  1. 1.
    "New pumpkin spice beer and rose cupcakes" (with buttercream and all). WTF. All it needs is a can of tuna on top, why not?! Add some prunes and get rid of your constipation while you're at it. Humans: we gotta stop this trend of creating amalgams of grossness.
  2. 2.
    "I love Mexican food, I just wish it wasn't spicy" Then you don't love Mexican food. Block. Delete. And report for hate speech. Throw her a McDonald's burger on the way out.
  3. 3.
    "Our cosmos are on special tonight". Wait. What? You still serve cosmos?! Just put me back in the closet and I'm in college again!
  4. 4.
    "We can't sit you until your full party has arrived" Look Becky - I don't know if that's your name but I'm gonna call you Becky - I get it. You're a badass restaurant that's jizzing its cropped pants after great media coverage. What you don't get is that some of my friends (including me) are assholes and can't always be on time because: LIFE.
  5. 5.
    "Netflix and chill should be grindr and drill". Dafuq?! You're one nasty gay. Call me.