I HAVE FOOD POISONING
And this is how it makes me feel.
- •Like the embodiment of a York Peppermint PattyAll hot and cold at the same time
- •Like I've perpetually taken a shot of FireballTummy ache central & regret
- •Like I've been wearing a tight metal headband all dayThe dullest of never-ending headaches.
- •Like I will murder the next person who posts a photo of food on social mediaThe poisoning culprit: kale; the food I was eating that let me know I definitely needed to puke: Brussels sprouts. Your thoughtlessly posted farm-to-table meal makes me want to upchuck.
- •Like I have the most Jewish mother everHer editorial on my plight: "At least you and Grant [my husband, who is also sick] don't eat a lot, so maybe it'll pass through you quickly. So much for being a vegetarian, huh?" SO EXCITED FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO PUSH HER AGENDA.
- •Like a badassI left the middle of an important meeting with a client to puke, rallied, re-entered the meeting and shared some semi-insightful shit.
- •Like a tiny, helpless woodland creatureI save this for home, obviously. It involves finding my husband, dog and blanket and forcing them to snuggle and fetch me things while I whimper.
- •Like a foolish, shallow personFor thinking, even for a second, about whether I might lose a couple of lbs from this and being a tiny bit happy about that.
- •Like I'm grateful for my choice in spouse