I HAVE FOOD POISONING

And this is how it makes me feel.
  1. Like the embodiment of a York Peppermint Patty
    All hot and cold at the same time
  2. Like I've perpetually taken a shot of Fireball
    Tummy ache central & regret
  3. Like I've been wearing a tight metal headband all day
    The dullest of never-ending headaches.
  4. Like I will murder the next person who posts a photo of food on social media
    The poisoning culprit: kale; the food I was eating that let me know I definitely needed to puke: Brussels sprouts. Your thoughtlessly posted farm-to-table meal makes me want to upchuck.
  5. Like I have the most Jewish mother ever
    Her editorial on my plight: "At least you and Grant [my husband, who is also sick] don't eat a lot, so maybe it'll pass through you quickly. So much for being a vegetarian, huh?" SO EXCITED FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO PUSH HER AGENDA.
  6. Like a badass
    I left the middle of an important meeting with a client to puke, rallied, re-entered the meeting and shared some semi-insightful shit.
  7. Like a tiny, helpless woodland creature
    I save this for home, obviously. It involves finding my husband, dog and blanket and forcing them to snuggle and fetch me things while I whimper.
  8. Like a foolish, shallow person
    For thinking, even for a second, about whether I might lose a couple of lbs from this and being a tiny bit happy about that.
  9. Like I'm grateful for my choice in spouse