WAYS MY GRANDMOTHER SPENT OUR POTENTIAL INHERITANCE

Elsie was a real gem.
  1. Gambling
    Florida's casinos are still reeling from her death.
  2. Acrylic nails
    Always in hot pink.
  3. Baked salmon and bialys (how the hell do you spell the plural of bialy?)
    The highlight of my childhood visits... Except when Elsie would get cream cheese stuck under her hot pink acrylics and proceed to suck it out making noises not dissimilar to sizzling oil. Shudder.
  4. Every season of Walker, Texas Ranger
    Elsie was Chuck Norris' biggest fan.
  5. Lincoln town cars
    All champagne colored.
  6. Long-distance calls to my mother
    Topics discussed: meatball recipes, my good-for-nothing goy of a father, and who died.