Ancient Greek Authors in Order of How Fucking Hard They Are to Translate

I studied classics in college and, after a punishing first month of freshman year, learned the extremely viable skill of translating Ancient Greek—not speaking it, critically, because it is dead. Anyway, here's some useless insight about it!
  1. Comically Difficult: Aristotle
    Fuck you, Aristotle. Your sentences are longer than Faulkner's except you are writing in the most complicated language ever (one in which, yes, they even conjugate the fucking names!). All my experience with Aristotle went roughly like this: spend forever trying to parse a 15 word clause, forget which 30 word clause it corresponds to, go back and find it... on a previous page. Cool. De Anima can stay though.
  2. Hard As Fuck: Homer
    Knowing Ancient Greek won't even help you here! Sorry motherfucker! For this reason, I was chagrined to spend a whole year learning Attic Greek because—after taking the summer to drink it out—I returned to school and found I'd be expected to translate a whole fucking book of The Odyssey. That took a lot of time! They don't call it Homeric Greek because it doesn't necessitate its own goddamn dictionary! However: also a perfect angel genius and did you know he had such terrific hair?
  3. Straight Up Fucking Hard: Aristophanes, Aeschylus, Sophocles, Euripides, all those bros
    I felt like there was a pretty obvious divide between translating philosophers/mathematicians/logicians and poets (especially playwrights): the artsy ones, generally speaking, were a lot fucking harder. Yes, both camps have their reliance on obscure words and archaic constructions, but Ancient Greek sentences are already extremely difficult to follow when they're literally describing how logic works (fuck you again, Aristotle!), so metaphor is a whole different ballgame.
  4. Perfect Level of Difficulty Because Of Course: Plato
    The greatest there ever was. Full stop. Not that much harder than Biblical Greek vocab/grammar-wise but don't let that fool you: the Philosopher-King of All Western Philosophy looooved how words in his native language regularly carried a dozen or so accepted definitions (almost as much as he loved puns). Also: Socrates was way more of a minx than popular culture appreciates. Everyone else can eat their hearts out.
  5. Difficult By Virtue Of No One Having A Clue What This Shit's About: Heraclitus
    Why did you give us Heraclitus to learn on, School? Because fragments are short? Fuck you. Fragments seem easy enough until you remember how Heraclitus was called The Obscure (Epictetus on the other hand was realllll straight forward). Short, simple sentences lose their approachability if written around 500 BCE by a guy maniacally concerned with fire's origins in "the beginning." Guess there's only so many Sappho fragments! Thanks for nothing, Catholic Church!
  6. Easy For Ancient Greek, A Language Synonymous With Extremely Difficult Languages: Euclid
    My boy! Too bad I had to learn all that fucking geometry to go with it, thereby rocketing him up the list to Exhaustingly Difficult when taken as a whole.
  7. Comically Easy: God / God's Greek
    After a month of grueling, near-ceaseless Greek study isolated on a desert hilltop, you should be able to sight-read the Bible. It's way easy! There's only one problem: you will also become slowly horrified to realize how every sentence in the Bible—you know, the ones people feel so strong about and create legislation to inculcate—can easily be translated dozens of different ways! Everything you believe MIGHT JUST BE an interpretation agreed on by people who don't even speak the language? Yikes.