15 THINGS GUARANTEED TO HAPPEN AT EVERY MUSIC FESTIVAL

  1. You will wake up on day one, before it all begins, fueled and energized by the hope and promise of an alcohol-fueled musical experience that will most likely definitely change your life
  2. You will arrive at the festive with all your hopes and dreams, where you will wait to get your bag checked by security for approx. 1-7 hours.
  3. Before you make it to the entrance, a woman who's had too much to drink will pass out cold directly in front of you. It will be 12:30 in the afternoon.
  4. A man at security will take away your spray sunblock, your half-full bottle of water, and any hope you may have had of survival. You will scream. Your screams will not be heard.
  5. You will pass approx. 20 people wearing the same outfit as you. You will glare at them. They will not be your friends. They will never be your friends.
  6. You will see enough neon clothing to fuel a warehouse sized crate of glow sticks.
  7. You will see girls whose high waisted denim shorts are pulled so high above their belly buttons, they've exposed the entirety of what can only be described as their aggressive butt cleavage.
  8. You will see approx. 9,000 handmade flower crowns, plucked from various unseen fields.
  9. You will see a hot guy and think, oh look, that guy is super hot. He will have a girlfriend. He will be a douche.
  10. You will suffer the eternal struggle between wanting to stay hydrated, wanting to get drunk, and wanting to avoid, at all costs, the devastating hell that is the port-a-potty.
  11. You will, at some point, whether you expect it or not, become trapped behind a couple who is dry-humping so ferociously, it's a miracle their $5 outfits don't spontaneously burst into flame.
  12. You will stand behind a human who produces more sweat than any other human you've ever encountered before.
  13. You will witness two people who were otherwise complete strangers before this day become intimate sexual partners before your very eyes, often in the course of one song. You will be both disgusted and amazed.
  14. You will step on approx. 90 people and feel sorry for exactly zero of them.
  15. You will fall asleep at night hearing the phantom pounding of a beat softly drumming in your eyes, longing for the crowds, the noise, the thick smells, the pushing and shoving
  16. You will survive.