16 WAYS TO MAKE FRIENDS AS AN ADULT
- •Take up a new hobby, like balloon-animaling or rock-collecting or, I don’t know, bugs. Then talk to all the boring people who care about the same boring shit as you.
- •Hate everything and be vocal about it so other people can be like, “Yo, I hate those things, too! Let’s hate them together as people who occasionally text and eat together!”
- •Meet people from the Internet. You’ll either be murdered or you’ll end up with a new friend. You decide which outcome is preferable.
- •Take a cooking class or some shit
- •Go for a walk alone and hope a kind stranger takes pity on you.
- •Compliment a complete stranger on the sidewalk by saying something friendly like “you have the smoothest calves I’ve ever seen on a grown man” and then step back before you get hit in the face with some big, fat, throbbing friendship.
- •Join a book club
- •Get comfortable with going to a bar by yourself, even if all you’re doing is dining on the unlimited hot wing buffet. Talk to strangers who are there for similar reasons.
- •Just, I don’t know, imagine one. That was enough when you were a kid, why you gotta be so needy about it now?
- •Get stranded on an island and form an emotional and physical bond with a piece of wreckage that will serve as the closest thing you have to a human connection until you die.
- •Join a gym if you're that desperate
- •Join a cult
- •Go to the airport dressed as a driver with a sign that says “Kate.” Wait around for a Kate, convince her to get into your car, then tell her she’s your new friend while you’re speeding down the highway to the time share you bought together.
- •Get into some weird new musician, like Gavin DeGraw, and bond with all the other Gavin DeGraw fans.
- •List a large item on eBay, like a handcrafted chifferobe or perhaps an elegant floor lamp. When someone buys it, get into a box and literally mail yourself instead. Legally, they have to keep you.
- •Buy one. Just buy a new friend. It’s the only chance you have.