1. Take up a new hobby, like balloon-animaling or rock-collecting or, I don’t know, bugs. Then talk to all the boring people who care about the same boring shit as you.
  2. Hate everything and be vocal about it so other people can be like, “Yo, I hate those things, too! Let’s hate them together as people who occasionally text and eat together!”
  3. Meet people from the Internet. You’ll either be murdered or you’ll end up with a new friend. You decide which outcome is preferable.
  4. Take a cooking class or some shit
  5. Go for a walk alone and hope a kind stranger takes pity on you.
  6. Compliment a complete stranger on the sidewalk by saying something friendly like “you have the smoothest calves I’ve ever seen on a grown man” and then step back before you get hit in the face with some big, fat, throbbing friendship.
  7. Join a book club
  8. Get comfortable with going to a bar by yourself, even if all you’re doing is dining on the unlimited hot wing buffet. Talk to strangers who are there for similar reasons.
  9. Just, I don’t know, imagine one. That was enough when you were a kid, why you gotta be so needy about it now?
  10. Get stranded on an island and form an emotional and physical bond with a piece of wreckage that will serve as the closest thing you have to a human connection until you die.
  11. Join a gym if you're that desperate
  12. Join a cult
  13. Go to the airport dressed as a driver with a sign that says “Kate.” Wait around for a Kate, convince her to get into your car, then tell her she’s your new friend while you’re speeding down the highway to the time share you bought together.
  14. Get into some weird new musician, like Gavin DeGraw, and bond with all the other Gavin DeGraw fans.
  15. List a large item on eBay, like a handcrafted chifferobe or perhaps an elegant floor lamp. When someone buys it, get into a box and literally mail yourself instead. Legally, they have to keep you.
  16. Buy one. Just buy a new friend. It’s the only chance you have.