...unless you can pull off man buns, but let's face it, you probably can't.
  1. Most of them are weak and feeble, like newborn foals, but feeble, and with less to offer the world.
  2. There's nothing in them. There are no gifts. There is no wish-granting genies. There are no shining jewels. It's hair. Just fuckin balled up hair with a rubber band around it. And crumbs.
  3. They can't even lift.
  4. When you take them out. It's just like a long, gross river of hair sludge.
  5. Guys are like, "lemme just never wash my hair cause I can wrap this shit up." And then what? Mold. Mildew. Chlamydia.
  6. Usually they're all loose and saggy and they droop like a shriveled grape.
  7. They're natural born killers. I've seen them do it myself.
  8. They hold too many secrets and I don't trust them.