1. Iraqi orphans may be available on Amazon Prime
    If not, they are still super-easy to get
  2. There is nothing worse than social media
    Let's hope that Iraqi kid doesn't want to join Facebook
  3. Actually, no, a sense of humor may be worse than social media
  4. Funny things on social media are probably the worst, actually
  5. If you do not write Great American Literature, you are also the worst
  6. Get off his lawn
  7. Vapid consumerism is also probably pretty horrible
    Especially by young people. Unless you're buying his book. Or maybe an Iraqi orphan.
  8. I will not be buying his new book
  9. He is better than all of us
    (that includes you)
  10. I feel like he probably has a voodoo doll collection of people who have ever criticized him
    Definitely at least one of Oprah
  11. This is all Oprah's fault
    I mean, he really alludes to this