1. β€’
    I have a birthday in 2 weeks
  2. β€’
    I'm not normally even aware of my birthday this far in advance but one of my best friends is due with her first baby on my birthday!! 🍼
  3. β€’
    Not to make the baby's birth about me, but that would kinda be exciting! 🍰
  4. β€’
    Anyway, so my birthday has been on my mind
  5. β€’
    And I'm already not someone who makes a big deal about her day- I am not huge on presents, and I don't need a lot of fuss
  6. β€’
    But as I've crept into my 40s, I found my birthdays harder to accept
  7. β€’
    Which sounds preposterous, so please stick with me here
  8. β€’
    I don't mean to sound selfish or ungrateful
  9. β€’
    I have lost friends to cancer and tragedy, and let me tell you, just staying alive and being alive is a fucking miraculous thing
  10. β€’
    I mean that
  11. β€’
    But mid-life, for me, is complicated. Which is probably why half of us go a little crazy.
  12. β€’
    I'm not going to buy a Ferrari or trade my husband in for a boy-toy 🏎
  13. β€’
    But there is something hard to reconcile with the number I know I am and the number I feel I am
  14. β€’
    The thought of knowing that my youth really is so far behind me is, I guess, difficult to swallow
  15. β€’
    Not that my life isn't wonderful: my children are amazing, my marriage is solid, my career is in full swing
  16. β€’
    Not that my 20s weren't full of career missteps and dating men who were wrong for me.
  17. β€’
    And yet.
  18. β€’
    And yet.
  19. β€’
    Do men feel this way? (Asking this sincerely.) my husband doesn't give a second thought to his graying temples.
  20. β€’
    Surely part of this malaise comes with looking in the mirror and seeing the difference between then and now.
  21. β€’
    Women certainly are judged harsher for "aging," which is why you can walk around LA (and probably loads of other places) and see plenty of women who look half-alien while the men just keep on keeping on
  22. β€’
    Not that I'm vain.
  23. β€’
    But most of us are a little bit vain.
  24. β€’
    Which again, I know: stupid. I can run a bunch of miles and keep up with my kids and if I really wanted to, I could still dance until 3am.
  25. β€’
    I never want to. Like, never. Nope, I'd rather be asleep, truth be told.
  26. β€’
    I think about death a lot more now.
  27. β€’
    I had a cramp in my leg last night, and I immediately assumed it was a blood clot from my flight last week and I was gonna be dead by morning.
  28. β€’
    I'm the opposite of my hypochondriac but in your 40s, your brain just goes there
  29. β€’
    Spoiler alert: I'm still here
  30. β€’
    I have amazing, amazing successful and stunning friends who are older than I am.
  31. β€’
    I never even think about their age or the number of years they've been on this planet.
  32. β€’
    I wonder if they do though.
  33. β€’
    Wake up some mornings and just think: WTF? How I am 45 or 48 or whatever?
  34. β€’
    I suppose that our youths are always there to be looked back on with nostalgia. And part of mid-life is having the wisdom to accept that they can't be recaptured.
  35. β€’
    I spend a lot of my energy now being a parent which isn't even a second thought, but is, of course the antithesis of your days of misspent youth
  36. β€’
    Again: reminder: those days weren't particularly wonderful and I find raising children pretty gratifying. (But sometimes exhausting and terrifying and beyond frustrating.)
  37. β€’
    You can buy a Ferrari but I can't see how that really helps in the grand philosophical scheme of things. 🏎
  38. β€’
    So I guess I just keep going, forge on.
  39. β€’
    And maybe when I'm 70, I'll still feel 42 and that will be a marvel too.
  40. β€’
    And maybe my friend will have her baby on my birthday, and that - the circle of life and all of that - truly would be the greatest marvel of all. 🍼🍼🍼