WHAT I WISH MY HOROSCOPE ACTUALLY SAID

My horoscope this month is all about putting in the hard work and my dreams coming into fruition. That's nice.
  1. One morning, very soon, $3000 will be your available Venmo balance. Cash out at your leisure.
  2. Hey -- you're pretty. Go outside this month; show everyone you're pretty.
  3. A summer cold? Not for you. More like, summer hot. Because you're hot. Sorry to harp on your looks, but come on. Have you seen your face? Hot.
  4. Mercury has gone direct, baby. Forever.
  5. You've always been the caretaker.