I was a very deprived and sheltered child. AKA reasons I turn to comedy today as a coping mechanism.
  1. To watch "The Little Mermaid"
    $50 if you correctly guess why (and haven't already heard my go-to party story about this).
  2. To own any sort of gaming system
    Not sure why on this one, but to this day my family has never owned so much as an original Gameboy.
  3. To get my ears double pierced
    This was traumatic. Allllll my friends got theirs double pierced in the sixth grade, but my mother (who allowed me the original piercing at age 5), told me "I had to wait until I was 18, so, so do you" (cue the woe-is-11-year-old-me tears).
  4. To say "shut up"
    My mom haaaaated this phrase. Also on this list: "oh my god" and "stupid".
  5. To have an AIM account
    I tried so hard to explain to my parents the ways it could be safe, but to no avail. They were convinced I would fall prey to one of the predators Dateline had warned them about.
  6. To watch Boy Meets World
    To this day I have never seen a single episode (I know).
  7. To stay out as late as my neighborhood friends in the summer
    I would watch them continue to play in the yard across the street, before sunset, after already having been tucked into bed by my not-sympathetic parents. This was around age 9 or 10 and I can still feel the jealousy and heartbreak of missing out on those golden hours of play.
  8. To own any secular pop CDs
    AKA I was denied a boy band phase and I'm still bitter about it.
  9. To open a gift on Christmas Eve
    My sister and I still ask every year. The answer is still no.