1. They don't want to be my friend
  2. They never want to talk to me again
  3. Their phone was stolen
  4. I told them their screenplay was derivative
  5. They've been in a terrible accident
  6. They're dead
  7. They've been kidnapped by Scientologists
    A legitimate concern in LA
  8. They're definitely dead
    Probably murdered. Probably grizzly. Definitely violent.